Holding on While the World Crumbles
by DerangedDynamic
Summary: Lily is holding on while the world crumbles, trying to smile and find hope and light through tears and pain as her world slowly begins to fade into the darkness of the Dark Lord's terror. A re-write of my previous fic, which I may have deleted by now. Rated M for reason.
1. November 13th, 1976, The Wedding

**This is a complete rewrite of my story ****The Anamagi, the Werewolf and the Ginger. I am dissatisfied about how I abandoned it because I am dissatisfied about where I went with the story. I am reworking it now. I know my long-term story lines, I just struggle filling in the gaps.**

**I do not own Harry Potter nor do I profit from it.****  
><strong>**If you see anything out of canon that is noticeably a blunder, do tell!**

"Thank you for doing this for me, Remus." Lily whispered as she walked up the stone steps of the church. Her legs shook with nerves,

"Thank you for the suit." Remus replied, holding open the inner door of the church for Lily and two other elderly women who walked in behind them. It was a rental suit but tailored to fit him and looked -as Lily put it- rather dashing.  
>"Thank my father," she winked. Her father had told her if her 'date' did not have any 'formal attire' he would pay for a rental. Formal Attire, meaning not Wizard robes. Lily's assumption regarding Remus's dress suits was correct and they visited Debenhams before the summer holidays ended to measure Remus for a suit.<p>

Remus was in awe of the church. He had been to churches before, as his mother was a Muggle but they were much smaller, and much quainter. She would bring him almost every Sunday until his enrolment at Hogwarts, except for the Sundays he did not feel up to leaving his bedroom, the Sundays which aligned with the full moon. He sometimes went at Christmas and Easter, if he wasn't staying at Hogwarts or the Potters. He hadn't been to a wedding however, Muggle or Magical. It was a new experience to him and he had no idea how to behave. He followed Lily's lead and copied people around them. He noted Lily's mother up the front, a small handkerchief at the ready. Beside her was Lily's father, looking misty eyed and proud.

Lily guided him to a pew half way down the aisle and slid in beside a few girls she knew from her primary school; girls who believed she was in a prestigious boarding school for gifted girls. They weren't exactly lied to, but the nature of the gift was massively misguided. She smiled at them, and hugged the closest to her.

"Why are you not sitting with your family?" Remus asked, unsure if the girls the other side of her should listen to his enquiry.

"Petunia is having her Wedding in November, Hoping that Ho- school, wouldn't allow me leave to attend She didn't even have me in her seating plan until last month. That's like saying she doesn't want me in her family. She wrote me a long letter explaining what I can and cannot do. However, I disobeyed. I brought you as a date, rather than a mundane person of her choosing." Lily smirked slightly. Lily would have quite happily stayed at Hogwarts instead of being at this stuck-up affair but her parents insisted the she joined them with a date. She took Remus's hand and pressed it against the outside of her thigh where he could feel her wand strapped tightly to it, another rule she disobeyed.

"Mine is in my coat," he muttered. She smiled to herself until it became increasingly obvious that the ceremony was about to start.

Lily almost felt ill as the dull organ music started to play and the sound of large heavy doors opening attracted everybody's attention. As the 'click-clack' of Petunia's monstrously expensive shoes filled the room, every person in the church turned in their seats to see her walk down in aisle, except for Lily. She sat upright, stoic and stone faced. She felt like a sore thumb sticking out among the guests but she could not face her sister. Trying to ignore Petunia's figure crossing her peripheral vision, Lily looked at her hand instead and watched Remus slip his over hers, squeezing it supportively. She smiled back gratefully as Petunia reached Vernon at the altar. She couldn't help but notice how they looked like a fat beetle and a stick-insect in clothing.

Vernon was medium height and broad, as if he played rugby when he was a teenager but stopped to fulfil a life of laziness and office jobs. Petunia was thin, very thin. She always was. Lily took envy on her sister's slim figure as a young teenager until she was fifteen and formed curves and realised whose hips looked better in a pair of flares.

She watched them pray for long happy lives together, and as they said their vows and watched as they leaned in for a quick peck on the lips. Lily knew her sister enough to know that for Petunia, the peck was far too intimate for public display and felt embarrassed. She had never seen her sister kiss Vernon. Not once.

She began to wonder about her own wedding in the future. She visualised herself up at the altar beside a man, a man who didn't have an identity. She looked at Remus before turning back to the altar. Remus maybe? She had always fancied him and he's been extremely nice to her.

Lily, again, couldn't watch as they left the church, followed by her bridesmaids donned in an awful cross between mauve and olive. Lily wasn't even aware such a colour could even exist. She momentarily thanked her sister for her intolerance for magic, thus Lily not having to wear such a horrid composition.

Lily looked down at her own dress, a knee length green dress, simple but pretty. Her mother didn't like the length of it, but Lily insisted that anything longer would make her look much shorter and 5'4" was quite short enough. Lily realised her mother's protest as every other girl at the wedding was in more acceptable, full length gowns.

The journey to the hotel was somewhat of a blur to Lily. She remembered leaving the church and sitting with her parents and Remus in a family car to the hotel where the reception would take place. Remus handled Richard Evans' questions exceptionally well. He told them that he was in most of Lily's classes and that he was also a prefect. He told them about his mother, a Muggle currently living in Wiltshire (Which eased their concern about Remus fitting in). He told them that his father was a chemist but died when he was a young boy – Almost true, his father was a potion maker for St. Mungo's. When Rosemary asked Remus how he had gotten the scar on his jaw and the other on his chin, he explained convincingly that he was mauled by a dog when he was a child and he had an unfortunate incident with a football goalpost.

For most off the night Lily watched from the side-lines as guests cheered for the newly-weds dancing for the first time to "_Are you Lonesome Tonight"_. Lily was sick of the celebration. Her sister didn't even look at her all evening, nor did her mother, who spent the evening talking to friends and neighbours and reciting how proud she was of Petunia. She wanted nothing more than to return to Hogwarts and relax in the common room with a book or a crossword. The wine-glass in front of hr was refilled by passing waiters each time it emptied.

She was pulled from her solitary huff when Remus handed her an orange coloured drink and took her hand, pulling her to the dance floor. "You need to lighten up." He smiled, taking a gulp of his drink and placing it onto a table. He took her waist and dragged her unwilling feet along the dance floor until she complied and moved with him, drinking her drink with a glint in her eye. All the previous wine consumed seemed to, at that moment, rush to her head, giving her a wavy light-headedness which she was enjoying in Remus's arms.

"This isn't just fanta, is it?" she whispered, eyeing her drink suspiciously.

"Nope. But I won't tell anyone if you don't." Remus took her empty glass from her and placed it on another table before twirling her.

"Not a word. Though if it mixed poorly with the wine, I'll let your know." She agreed, smirking at the warmth the alcohol was generating within her body.

"Have I mentioned that you look absolutely wonderful tonight, Miss Evans?" Remus asked as he took Lily's waist again after spinning her back into his arms.

"Why thank you, Mr Lupin." She felt her face redden at the comment. She had no idea why hr face started to betray her but it just increased the situation. "Have I expressed my interest on where you learned to dance, Mr. Lupin?" she replied, blushing slightly.  
>"I'm just copying everybody else." He admitted with a grin.<p>

"Shush, someone will hear you and think you are smarter than me." She joked, beginning to relax in Remus's arms when she was stirred from her thoughts. A pair of clammy hands clamped firmly around her eyes.

"Lilliput! Guess who!" an annoying high voice cried. Lily almost jumped from her skin from the contact with the cold hands. She span around to see two friends she knew from Primary School; Mags Conner and Geoff Maher standing before her grinning like Cheshire Cats.

"Oh wow, hi Mags, Geoff. I didn't realise you were here." Lily felt uncomfortable. She hadn't really spoken to her two friends since she left primary school aged 11 and started to disconnect herself from the Muggle world.

"We just arrived. We had to work this morning so we missed the reception. Who's this?" Mags asked, elbowing Lily suggestively in the ribs and raising her eyebrows. It took a few seconds to realise that Mags meant Remus.

"Oh sorry, this is my friend Remus from school." She explained gesturing between them. "Remus, this is Mags Conner and Geoff Maher, old friends of mine."

"I thought your mum said you were in an all-girls school," Geoff questioned, eyeing Remus warily. Lily cursed herself. Her mum must have told her a thousand times over the years about her fictitious school. She was sick of answering the same question to everybody _"So, why are you not a bridesmaid? How long are you home from school? When are you finished? What university will you be attending?"_She would simply answer that it would take up too much time from her school that she could not afford to lose, and as for the rest, it was undecided. She didn't anticipate questions about Remus and school.

"Oh our schools are closely affiliated. Under the same authority but it's separated, being a boarding school and all. It's quite strict. But we share the sports facilities." Remus answered quickly, with a calm grin.

"Oh I see… where is it again?" Geoff asked.

"Um, Scotland. Stuck in some mountain ranges. It's lovely but very cold in winter. Doesn't Petunia's dress look lovely." Lily appealed, feeling more and more uncomfortable. She never prepared answering questions about school on her sister's big day. Geoff didn't stop eyeing Remus and not in a friendly way. Mags was oblivious but maybe Geoff thought Remus to be a rough kind of guy, due to his scars.

"Would you like another drink, Lily?" Remus asked, sensing Lily's discomfort.

"Please! Do you want a hand?"

"No no, I'll be back in a moment." She smiled and left her. She bit her scowl and looked back to her old friends.

"So this Remus bloke, quite attractive." Mags asked, her eyes following Remus across the room.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Geoff blurted, receiving an elbow to his ribcage from Mags.

"Oh um..." Lily started but was cut off.

"Blonde though, Lily. Blondes and red heads do look odd as a couple. Your children would have such fair skin,"

"Oh my," Lily muttered.

"You mother never mentioned a boyfriend to me when I was talking to her. She assured me you were more the studious type of girl."

"Whats with the scars though, dear me? I hope the boy isn't trouble,"

"Or maybe you like the trouble,"

"Well," Lily piped up, sick of the gossip. "I'm going to go find my boyfriend, the drinks are taking quite a while." Lily declared before following Remus's route to the bar. Lily couldn't get away from them quicker. She practically sprinted across the function room. She spotted Remus talking to Vernon's sister Marge who she had met on a few occasions. Remus looked uncomfortable as Marge seemed to lean over to him far too much, her drink nearly spilling over his shoes.

"See boy, with a dog as viscous as that, you need a firm hand or a loaded pistol." she boldly advised. "You won't have any more marks like that if you listen to me. I should know, I have a fair few dogs myself,"

"Marge," Lily chimed in, linking her arm through Remus's poignantly. "I see you've met my date, Remus,"

"Oh is he yours then." Marge scoffed. "I knew there had to be something wrong with him. Seems it was you."

"Excuse me," Remus interjected. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Leave it, Rem," Lily spotted two coke on the counter and nodded towards them. "They ours?" she took a gulp before she received an answer.

"All I mean is the red head of the family is often the black sheep, same with dogs. The odd one out is badly behaved." she explained patronisingly. Lily glowered at her as she walked away.

"Great big beast of a woman, she is." Lily scowled at the woman.

"I think she tried to flirt with me She was talking about the mating habits of bit-bulls." Remus admitted horrified. He shook his head to rid himself of the thought. "You never call me Rem," he smiled, enjoying the feeling of her arm on his.

"Yes I do," Lily insisted.

"When?"

"I must have before. I know I have... listen, I sortoftoldmagsandgeoffthatyo u'remyboyfriend." She gushed, her cheeks burning again.

"You said 'Listen' but the rest was not English."

"Mags and Geoff were on my back and I sort of told them that you were my boyfriend..." she trailed off, unable to look him straight in the eye? It was becoming far too warm in the ballroom.

"Oh... why?"

"I'm sorry, it was stupid but now they think we are together. I think Mags fancies you."

"You can't fancy someone you acquainted with for thirty seconds."

"Well it's said that it takes only 30 seconds for her to fall in love and love only lasts half an hour."

"Oh!" Remus spluttered in surprised. He couldn't hide the smile on his face, a smile he wasn't aware of until Lily punched him in the arm.

"Hello, you are meant to be _my _date and _my _fake boyfriend," She smiled. "If anyone else asks, I'll tell the truth but I didn't want you going off with her and being left all on my own."

"That wouldn't happen, Lily. You worry too much."

"Thank you,"

"So Lilliput?"

"Oh gosh. We read Gulliver's travels in Year 4 in school. There are these tiny people on an Island called Lilliputians. From then, I was Lilliput to everyone in my class. I was so short."

"Was so short?" he teased. "That's quite cute. I've heard of Gulliver's travels. Didn't read it in school though."

"Did you go to primary school?"

"I did. Until I was nine. My mother wanted me to have a 'normal' childhood but it became harder to control myself sometimes. I did a bit of damage to one kid playing football..."

"Did you seriously play football?" Lily was shocked but pleased.

"I was good! Well, for a nine year old who had to control accidental magic and the occasional 'hormonal' outburst."

"I never would have thought! Oh my, this song!" Lily grinned, taking Remus's hand. "Please dance with me."

"Of course, Lilliput!"

"Don't," she warned, but with a smile. "You're lucky you're handsome in that suit."

"That was the plan. Look good and get away with murder," he winked, taking Lily's hand to dance. Lily couldn't help but turn a tomato-like colour of red. She couldn't believe she said anything so bold.

"Will I be found in my bed tomorrow morning with a dagger through my heart?" she asked, wrapping her arms around Remus's neck, as they slowly started to dance.

"Please, that's much too messy," he laughed, turning Lily then recapturing her, closer to him this time. "A pillow. Over your face."

Lily felt her heart pounding against her chest, surely hard enough for Remus to feel it against his. "_Why does he have this effect on me..."_she thought to herself. She wished she could hide her obvious change in tempo but it was soon noticed. Her body started to freeze has her heart bet faster.

"Do you want to sit down?" He asked, as he noticed her feet has stopped moving.

"I want this night to be over."

"Are you not having fun?" Remus frowned. "Is it my hideous dancing?" he joked, taking her hand and leading her to an empty table.

"Your dancing is marvellous. I just thought my sister would talk to me at least. I need another drink."

"I'll bring a whole bottle," Remus smiled cheerily, hoping to brighten her mood. It was the most fun he had had in a long time and only one person in the whole room knew of his condition. Sure he probably looked like an ex-con who had been sliced across the face but that was fictitious and untrue and absolutely fantastic to Remus. He wasn't a werewolf in this room. He wasn't a monster. He wasn't hiding anything and it made him feel liberated. He was just a normal 17 year old -slightly horny- boy in a smart suit walking towards a bar being served by a pretty bar-girl who he could flirt into giving him the whole bottle of wine. Which he did.

Lily waited patiently at the table, slipping off her left shoe to rub the sole of her foot. It was red and puffy from dancing in the god-forsaken heels her mother had forced her to wear. When she heard someone sit down beside her, she looked up with a smile thinking it was Remus but she soon saw it was not.

"Well hello," spoke a deep voice, smiling and stretching his hand out to Lily.

"Um, hi," she smiled, taking his hand and shaking it lightly. He was good-looking but he seemed to know it. She recognised him as being Vernon's Best Man.

"I'm Edmund," he smiled back, "Do you know the bride or the groom?"

"Oh, I'm Petunia's sister." she answered politely, very aware of the stories Petunia had told of her 'odd sister'.

"Well, Petunia's sister, I know who got the beautiful looks in your family." he leaned in closer with a smirk and whispered.

Lily jerked her head away and glared at him.

"Is that supposed to flatter me?" she questioned, crossing her arms.

"I'm sayin' you're gorgeous."

"Well thank you, but really, I should be getting back to my date." Lily pointed across the room at Remus who was being handed two empty glasses and a bottle of wine. Lily tried to get up but Edmund and trapped her hand on the table with his own large ones.

"That's your boyfriend? The one with the scars? You're too pretty for him…" she slurred, taking a gulp of his pint.

"You're still not flattering me," she frowned at Edmund but he decided the best plan of action was to grab her by the arms and pull her to the dance floor.

"I can be flatterin', if ye gave me a dance,"

"Please don't." she said sternly, pulling away from the huge man. "Get off of me!" she hissed when he tried to pull her into his arms to dance. She managed to pull away from him only to feel two familiar hands on her shoulders.

"Are you alright? Who's he?" Remus asked, staring at Edmund. Lily could almost feel Remus's hand twitching for his wand.

"Nobody," Lily muttered, looking down at the ground. She gently rubbed the part of her arm Edmund gripped which was sure to bruise.

"What did you do to her?" Remus advanced on Edmund in a way Lily had never witnessed.

"Your girlfriend doesn't like to dance," Edmund spat. Lily could feel Remus's anger rising through him. She grabbed his elbow and veered him away from Edmund, who looked about twice the size of Remus. She had no doubt Remus could handle himself in a fight with this burly guy but she didn't want to make a scene.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, sitting back down.

"For what?" he smiled a bit, wondering what in the world this girl could be apologising for.

"Him."

"Do you know him?"

"No, but I didn't want you getting mad and him causing a scene."

"Lily, that wasn't me mad."

"I've never seen you like that before."

"I don't understand."

"You are always so calm and collected. Then you became... protective or something... it was kind of attractive," she tried to quench her shy smile but couldn't. Her cheeks were turning a distasteful shade of pink and Remus's eyes widened.

"You're a little bit odd, you know that?" he smiled, pouring out the wine he had brought from the bar.

"How did you manage to get that? Oh my Merlin, you didn't '_influence'_her in any way, did you?" Lily asked shocked, an image of Remus jinxing a waitress just to get free wine.

"No no..." he smiled. "I just asked nicely. People now-of-days never appreciate the value of manners."

"I really hope you are telling the truth. I don't want to have to explain to the manager why all his wine is gone if she starts handing it out to everyone." Lily giggled into her glass. "This is good."

"Refill, Miss Evans?"

"Please, Mr. Lupin,"

**RL LE RL LE**

Remus and Lily burst into Lily's room laughing like a pair of toddlers high on Calpol. Lily held on to Remus for support for three reasons. One, Her feet were aching from dancing with Remus all night and running from Edmund at least three times. Two, She was too tipsy to walk in a straight line herself. Three, And she absolutely did not want to let him go. She knew she liked Remus. She always had but it seemed as though the alcohol was unveiling feelings she had for him.

"Lupin-" She laughed as Remus shrugged off his jacked and placed it carefully on the back of a chair. "You are always so neat!"

"And you aren't," he laughed, looking around Lily's room. With a gasp she jumped towards clothes and underwear she had thrown around the room and tried in vain to stuff them back into her suitcase before Remus noticed. He couldn't help redden as she picked up a bra just at his feet.

"I'm a slob, I'll admit it. But only when I am in a hurry." She walked back over to where Remus had left his jacket and pulled half a bottle of wine and two glasses out of his pocket.

"Of course,"

"Remind me to thank the inventor of undetectable extension charms!" she giggled before slumping onto the bed, stretching her legs out in front of her after kicking her shoes off.

"You were telling me a story!" she insisted, patting the bed for Remus to join.

"Oh yeah! So Sirius's little cousin, she a Metamorphmagus. She's three. I was over for lunch and she kept running around but her hair kept changing colours. I sat there for an hour counting how many kids were in the blasted house!" He took a seat next to her against the head board, a mere few inches separating them.

"A Megamorphagus?" Lily questioned, never hearing the word before.

"She can change the colour of her hair!" he explained, still laughing. "And other features too. It's crazy!"

"Weird," Lily mused before turning to Remus. She traced her finger across the scar on his jaw.

She looked at him for a long moment, taking in his appearance. His hair was a little longer than usual, but Lily liked it. It suited him, but didn't at the same time. You would have to know both sides of Remus to understand why it looked perfect on him. His face was a little pink and flushed, as was hers, from hours of dancing. His blue eyes were half closed in exhaustion but opened a bit wider when they flickered towards Lily, catching her green orbs. She looked into his eyes almost long enough to count each eyelash before he turned his head away.

She didn't even realise she was leaning into him until he turned. With that, she pulled his face back to hers and crashed her lips to his. She could tell he was surprised but it only took a few seconds for him to kiss back, and another few for him to pull away.

He stared at her for a moment, watching her eyes drop and her face turn red. Lily was about to move off the bed but Remus threaded his hand through her hair and pulled her back into the kiss. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or just the amount of fun they had that evening or the fact that it was Lily Evans or all three combined but he felt as though kissing Lily was the absolute perfect thing to be doing at that moment.

Her lips were soft against his at first but the kiss deepened as Lily budged her way closer to Remus. His hands were in her hair and on her waist but Lily was lost. One hand was trapped under her and the other was supporting her weight. It was as if Remus could read her mind. The hand on her waist pushed her back onto the bed and everything suddenly became ten degrees hotter. Lily had never been on a bed with a boy before. She has never kissed a boy like this before. Remus was pressed against her, running his hand from her waist to her leg. Lily let her leg slide over his hip, her dress falling up her thigh, leaving skin for Remus to caress.

"Lily, can I um- ask-" Remus asked, breaking away from the kiss, but his fingers kept tracing small circles on her thigh.

"You want to play 20 questions _now_?" She faked offence with a smirk.

"No, eh, have you done this-"

"Oh, no I haven't."

"Then maybe we shouldn't..."

"Have you?"

"No,"

"Do you want to?"

"Yes."

"Then maybe we should."

Remus was sure if wasn't just the wine that was intoxicating him at that moment. His whole body was almost shaking to be pressed against Lily's skin. Her answer was all he needed to indulge in his kiss and move over her.

**RL LE RL LE**

"Do you remember getting this one?" She asked him, her voice almost a whisper. She moved her fingers across his chest to a small scar on his rib cage.

"No, not really. There's been so many. The larger ones I remember."

"Larger ones?" She asked carefully. Remus nodded.

"I have one down the back of my thigh that gave me a bit of trouble last year. And this one..." he pulled the blanket down his torso further to show her a scar that looked like it had been ripped from his belly button.

"Oh... do they heal like normal cuts or..."

"Mostly. Magic can't speed them up though. I've actually had stitches a few times."

"How awful." she sighed. She moved the covers and stuck her left leg out the side of her blanket. She pointed to a smeared section of skin midway down her thigh, extending to her knee. "This is the biggest scar I ever got. Potions, fourth year. Fletcher bumped into my cauldron _on__purpose_ and knocked it down my leg. It was green for a while, then a funky purple."

"I don't remember that,"

"You weren't there. Visiting mum, or so I thought."

"I do visit a lot," he chuckled.

"She must worry about you a lot?" Lily asked harmlessly, covering her leg up again and sliding it over Remus. She watched as Remus pursed his lips together. "Sorry I should have-"

"No it's okay. My mum is... lonely. She isn't the same as she used to be. I wish I was visiting her every month... then she wouldn't be as bad. She has her pupils of course, but they're mostly kids."

"Pupils? Is she a teacher?"

"She teaches piano," A shadow of a smile crossed his face.

"Can you play?" she asked brightly.

"A little. Haven't in a long time though. Have you ever played an instrument?"

"No, I did dance though. I did ballet until I went to Hogwarts."

"Really? It explains your idyllic posture."

"Thank you."

"Does not explain how badly you dance in the ballroom," he teased.

"Oh come on, it's been years!" she shoved him slightly. "Besides I was never any good but my mother always said it was good for me so kept it up."

"Did you sister do it too,"

"Yep, until she was about seventeen I think, I can't remember. She built for ballet, I wasn't,"

"How so?"

"She's thin and like a wafer. I was too curvy and well, these came along all too soon," she joked, looking down at her chest. Remus remained silent, unsure how to comment upon what she just said. Lily felt him awkwardly tense beside him and quickly changed the subject. "You must play the piano some day for me."

"Yeah sure," he agreed half-heartedly. He had never played for anyone before. He wasn't sure if his friends even knew he played.

"Tonight was so much fun. Thank you," she smiled, moving her hand to his. "It would have been awful if you weren't here,"

"It was pleasant to get away for a while." he agreed. "I needed a night where I didn't have to be... me."

"Can I tell you a secret?" Lily asked, looking up at Remus from where she lay on his chest.

"I don't see why not. You've kept mine."

"Well this one is silly... I've been thinking about _this_ since we kissed in fifth year."

"Really?" Remus asked in shock.

"Yeah." she snuggled into him, her whole body pressed against his, making his words a whole lot harder to say.

"Lily, you understand why I can't have a girlfriend..." Remus started. He felt Lily tense against him.

"Yes and no. You should let yourself be happy."

"I know but I care about you too much to drag you down into my life."

"Remus, I am in your life. I have been in your life since the day I decided that I wanted to be your friend. I was still in your life the day I found out you were a werewolf."

"Lily, you're a muggle born. Being associated with a werewolf will make it very hard to get anywhere in life. And I don't think you fully understand the stigma against my kind."

"But who knows about you?"

"Not many _now,_ but later, I can't guarantee that will always be the case."

"I understand. But _tonight_ you are just Remus, in the muggle world, where werewolves don't exist," she smiled, reaching up to kiss him again.

**RL LE RL LE**

**I didn't add much to this chapter, just a bit of wording I wasn't happy with!**

**I hope you have it in your hearts to reread and maybe throw me a little review. Even just a "Thumbs-up" will do! **


	2. November 13th, 1976, Hogwarts

**Chapter 2: November 13th, 1976, Hogwarts**

**Disclaimer: I do not, never have, nor ever will own Harry Potter or any characters stemming from Canon fact.**

**I decided that Lily shouldn't be my focus point. I am going to try get a good view on her, the Marauders and maybe one or two others.**

"_I'm sorry, Evans." James had snook up on her while she was sulking in the common room. She was situated in the corner under a lamp which kept flickering, to James's annoyance._

"_For what?" she hissed, not taking her eyes off of her book. James had noticed that Lily's eyes were not reading the book, just staring at the one spot on the page, as if to bore a hole through its pages._

"_For embarrassing you earlier today. I'm sorry." he admitted, waiting for her reaction._

"_You embarrassed yourself, Potter. I was merely a bystander who got a bit of backlash." she looked up at him momentarily before looking back down, cursing herself from letting him see her red eyes._

"_Will you accept my apology?"_

"_Accepted. Please, I want to be alone."_

_"What Snivellus said..."_

"_Alone, Potter. Do you understand the meaning of the word?" she snapped again, snapping her book closed and tossing it onto the table in front of her. Between exams, and the absolute end of a friendship, her stress levels were at tipping point and her brain couldn't handle any more bullshit._

"_I'm sorry. I just want to say that. For embarrassing you and defending you when you clearly did not need defending."_

"_Granted. Now please..." her eyes begged him. He could now see the red rings around her eyes from where she had been crying and rubbing them. They looked at each other for a long moment, a common understanding flowing between them._

_The portrait swung open and a flustered Mary McDonald came through the door, her posture indicating annoyance._

"_Lily, that _friend _of yours is outside. I thought you told him not to come up here!" she almost screeched, her body shaking._

"_Mary, are you alright?" James stepped towards her, putting a hand on her shoulder._

"_I'll be fine once _he's_ gone." her voice shook with what seemed like fear. It was common knowledge that Snape was present when his 'gang' had attacked Mary near the entrance hall the previous month._

"_I'll sort it out." Lily groaned, getting up and marching towards the portrait hole._

"_Do you want me to go with you?" James offered, reluctant to let her leave the common-room alone._

"_That will make it worse."_

"_Fine, but I'm waiting here until you get in."_

_Lily didn't disagree with Potter on his actions. She knew he never trusted Snape and he certainly wouldn't trust him after he dropped the M-bomb. She turned from him and exited the room to face her former best friend._

James tossed on the comfortable, cushioned sofa of the Gryffindor common room yet no matter what he did, he could not ease into a cosy position. It enraged him that his supposed friend was at a wedding with Lily. He tried to force the feeling out of him. He wasn't Lily's boyfriend. He hardly even liked Lily. She was often cold towards him, and sometimes sharp. But the fact that _his_ friend Remus was away for a whole weekend with her twisted his stomach in a knot that caused him physical pain.

He couldn't blame Remus. As far as his friends knew, Lily was just another pretty girl who James would show off to. That's all she really was._ "She's only desirable because she won't date you." _He chided himself. The werewolf had assured him that they were only friends but that meant nothing in 1976. He dreaded to think of Remus and Lily off dancing and drinking and Merlin knows what else at a wedding, of all places. Where it was almost expected for people to get together.

"Just friend," James scoffed to himself. James and Morgan were 'Just friends' for a long time before they became a couple but that did not stop them from snogging and fooling around.

Morgan.

A pang of guilt hit him. Surely he shouldn't be thinking about Lily while his girlfriend was in his bed, the very bed he vacated after having sex with her, and watching her fall asleep.

With a groan, James pulled a Quidditch magazine from the rack at the fireplace. Quidditch was the only thing that could clear his head when it was in turmoil. He flicked through it until he found the page of the In-Season brooms. In the centre fold there was a large picture of the new Comet Five. His EagleX was becoming wobbly at high speeds and wouldn't turn as sharply as it used to. With a cheeky smile, he tugged out the centrefold and folded it neatly and stuffed it into his pocket. He's owl it to his parent's tomorrow. Christmas was but six weeks away.

He was broken from his broomstick fantasies when the sound of footsteps descending down the stairs caught his ears.

"Jamie?" Morgan's low voice called. James flinched but it was so dark, she didn't notice. He loathed _Jamie._ "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, love," he smiled. She approached him, donned in a pair of his pyjama bottoms and her own school shirt.

"It's two in the morning, babe." She stood behind him, letting her hands fall to his shoulders, gently massaging up his neck.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Pettigrew is snoring really loudly up there," she gave a quick giggle before gracefully folding onto the couch beside him and plucking the Quidditch magazine from his hands and began searching for fixtures.

As she read, James' eyes fell on her, studying her and trying to resolve his problems. He didn't get why he couldn't fall in love with Morgan.

Morgan was 5ft,7 with straight long brown hair and the darkest brown eyes he had ever seen. Her left eye had two flecks of gold that glistened in the firelight. She has tiny delicate hands that fit into James's larger ones perfectly. Her legs were the optimum length to wrap around his waist and hook by the ankles behind him, pulling him closer.

In bed, she was unbelievable. She had always seemed conservative to James until he slept with her, then he learned just how wrong he was. She was receptive to his every touch and movement. Not a single bit like the lady she led her mother to believe she was.

She played Quidditch. No. She triumphed in Quidditch. In the two years she played as Gryffindor's seeker, she only failed to catch the snitch once.

On Hogsmeade weekends she never stressed James to go on perfect romantic date. She enjoyed hanging around with his friends and maybe some of hers in the Three Broom Sticks before taking a walk and exploring the bottom of the mountains with James. They found a waterfall once after heavy rain. They stayed there until dusk and spent hours sitting beside it, chatting about their upcoming Arrows match.

The Appleby Arrows; Their common love.

During the summer and holidays they always took the time to attend a few Quidditch matches together, and even on occasion, stayed with James all night at his house afterwards when his parents were away for the night.

Morgan was amazing and James knew it. He couldn't figure out why he was so dissatisfied with her as a girlfriend. Whenever he felt like this, a strong wave of guilt ran down his spine. He scrunched up his eyes to try supress the feeling before grabbing her ankle and playfully tugging her towards him. She gave a small 'eep' of surprise and fell onto her back.

"You're beautiful," he whispered leaning over her, willing himself to believe it. His dragged his hands through the long silky hair that spread out around her head.

"I was just thinking the same about you." she replied, shifting on the couch so her lefts were either side of his and tossed the magazine onto the floor. "You had that look in your eye you get before we make love."

_'Ugh, make love,'_ James though. He hated the term. It wasn't love. It was lust. James thoroughly enjoyed having sex with Morgan but what he felt during was surely couldn't equal love. He always imagined making love would cause him to feel something altogether more powerful than an orgasm and an occasional foot cramp. It puzzled him that girls always referred to sex as making love. Did they always feel 'in-love' while they had sex, was it their minds playing tricks on them? Was it something that was rooted into their system to find potential procreation with each sexual partner?

Morgan stemmed from a strict pure-blood family who believed her future lay with a pure blood husband. They approved of James, however he doubted that they would if they knew of their virginity status or, their rather lack of them. Morgan's mother expected them to get married straight after Hogwarts, however this was not officially discussed. James knew this was something that he did not want to do. Marrying Morgan wouldn't be the worst thing in the world but he could see himself turning into his parent's generation, him working at the ministry in a job with no soul and Morgan looking after their perfect children.

Would Morgan feel 'in love' with James if he was a half-blood? Or a muggle born? It was a stupid question. He knew Morgan was good hearted but she wouldn't sleep with a muggle-born. Her over-bearing mother would be on her conscience if she did.

"Jamie? Are you listening? James?" Morgan spoke loudly. James jumped slightly, awoken from his head.

"Sorry. I was..."

"Are we still going to Hogsmeade tomorrow afternoon?" she gave him an affectionate kiss on the nose and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I have to restock on mini sugar quills."

"How about I get Sirius to pick them up and we spend the afternoon in my dorm. It's been a while since we've had it to ourselves." Despite his lack of desire for their future, James still liked Morgan. He wasn't using her. He did enjoy her company, her joke and her friendships. He just knew it wouldn't be like that forever.

She'd make a good wife, one day, to somebody who loves her the way he should. Or at least, he hoped she would.

"It would be nice to not have to stay quiet," she smirked, gripping his shirt to pull him closer for a kiss.

"Or use the bath..."

"Oh please," she grinned, pressing her hips to James's. She reached into the pocket of her shirt and pulled out a small foil square.

"Not in the common-room," he moaned, his body urging him not to reject her. "Anyone could come in."

"It's after two in the morning. Besides these are your pyjamas that have an extremely convenient tear..." she moved his hands to between her legs, showing him the hole.

"You win," James said quickly, before pulling her closer to him, his own pyjamas becoming much too tight.


	3. November 17th, 1976, Hogwarts

**I do not condone smoking of any kind. I hate it and it's filthy. But this story is set in the Seventies and it was alright back then, not a major deal. Adverts promoting smoking were only beginning to be replaced by health warnings. I am going on what I've heard about from my parents, who married in 1976.**

**I do not own any characters/places etc. that stem from the HP franchise.**

_Remus Lupin was hunched over his desk in the library feverishly working on a History of Magic essay. Every five minutes or so he'd pause for two seconds to crack his neck. The OWLs would be the death of him. He spent most days hiding in the library from everyone who he was in trouble with, or finding a tower in which he could smoke his lungs black in. The astronomy tower was useless on Wednesday and Monday nights so he had to find other areas of the castle he could exploit for its well ventilated towers._

_Earlier that week James had saved Snape's life from a surely fatal attack from the werewolf himself. An incident stemmed from a cruel remark and some goading from Sirius during a fight with the Slytherin. It was a situation that could have put his best friend in Azkaban. Remus hadn't looked Sirius in the eye since. His trust for the fellow Marauder had dilapidated instantly. They had sworn each other to secrecy, promising never to tell anyone about Remus or the beast below the Whomping Willow, yet Sirius practically invited Snape in to the Shrieking Shack, where the wolf was clawing at himself in desperation to taste human blood._

_He was avoiding Lily Evans too. Snape was surely going to tell her what had happened and she'd hate him too. James's reaction shocked Remus most. He was always the most forgiving towards his friends but he couldn't be in the same room as Sirius. SO he isolated himself in the library, where Sirius preferred to do his homework in the common-room with James and Peter._

_Remus's thoughts has overflowed onto his page, after writing the word 'Despicable' instead of 'Distributed'._

_He groaned, crossing out the word and redipping his quill into the ink._

"_Remus?" a voice called from behind him. He turned to see Lily standing a safe distance away from him._

"_I can't talk, I've this Ruins essay-"_

"_That's due next week,"_

"_It's catch up work."_

"_Oh."_

"_Severus told me-"_

"_I don't want to hear it."_

"_Remus-"_

"_Lily, I almost killed your best friend," Remus dropped his quill, taking in the weight of what he had just said. "I feel bad enough without you yelling at me."_

"_Why didn't you tell me? We've been friends for-"_

"_Exactly. I enjoyed your friendship. I now I've ruined that."_

"_You didn't ruin it. I'm still your friend."_

"_You're only bringing it up now?"_

"_I figured you'd know I knew now... Remus, I grew up in a world where magic was an illusion, witches were green with warts and werewolves we fictitious creatures that were poisoned by contact with silver. I want you to know that I don't care. And I am not mad at you. It wasn't your fault. None of it was."_

_"You don't care that I'm a monster?"_

"_You're not a monster." Lily sat down beside Remus, taking his hand._

"_Thank you, but I have trouble believing that," Remus smiled half-heartedly. Lily looked at him pitifully before pulling him into a hug, her body beginning to quiver slightly._

"_Severus won't talk to me. I've never gone this long without him. It's been seven years and he won't talk to me…"_

"_His loss, Lily." Remus muttered as he kissed the side of her head gently, immediately freezing at the uninvited action. Lily, however, didn't seem to mind. Before she pulled away, she kissed him lightly, her lips lingering on his for a moment too long._

"_Sorry," She whispered in a panicked voice, her face reddening, before running out of the library and back to the safety of the girls dormitory._

_._

_._

_._

Remus always found the library to be his sanctuary. Even though most people knew where to find him, they rarely did venture into the dark, dusty room. That was most people. Lily however always disturbed him.

Four days after the wedding when Lily found Remus hunched over the same writing desk as he was the first time she kissed him. She slowly made her way up to him, lightly tapping him on the shoulder, feeling a rush of Deja Vu run down her spine.

"Hi," she meeked, unsure if he wanted to talk to her. "Can I sit down?"

Remus nodded, and pulled the chair out of her without really looking at her.

"What are you doing?"

"Charms."

"We don't have charms homework."

"I get different deadlines for essays…"

"Oh right… I wanted to talk to you about the night at the wedding?"

"What about it?" He wasn't being rude or cold on purpose, he just found it hard to be warm when he was stressed and aggravated.

"Well, I just wanted to know if you regret it." Lily took a seat beside him her hands fidgeting with nerves.

This made Remus freeze. He really didn't give it too much thought since they got back on Sunday night. He was trying to catch up on his school work and his mind was becoming increasingly stressed with the study he missed while he was getting drunk and having fun. But no, he didn't regret it. How could he? Lily seemed to acknowledge his sudden rigidness.

"You do, don't you. It shouldn't have happened." She whispered, as if afraid to hear her own words.

"Absolutely not." He replied, a bit too quickly. "I definitely do not regret it. But we've been through this, Lily. I won't risk hurting-"

"Risk? What risk? You are no risk to me as long as you stick to your same routine!" She had no idea who else would be in the library so her words were carefully chosen.

"And when we leave Hogwarts? Lily- I can't-"

"When we leave? Remus I am not asking for a marriage proposal because we slept together? I just want…" She lost her words, unsure how to say what was on her mind. Since she didn't really know herself, it was confusing. She didn't know how to propose a relationship with somebody who seemed to rather torture himself with loneliness.

"What do you want?"

"You. Nothing complicated or worth seriously over-thinking."

Remus looked lost. He couldn't argue with that reasoning but he still swore to himself he would never get serious with anybody. Then again, he already started with Lily.

"So… do you want to go on a date with me?" He smiled, looking up at her eyes timidly.

"I would love that. Only, Hogsmeade isn't for another few weeks, and I don't know how well you will be by then."

"Well in that case, we will have a date this Friday." His smile growing, his confidence rising just a bit.

"Where? How?"

"You'll see. After rounds on Friday night." He smiled, taking her hand into his. He leaned over to kiss her gently.

"Do you want to go up to the Astronomy tower?" She muttered after the kiss.

"Smoke?" he smirked, feeling for his box of cigarettes in his pocket.

"Yep."

"Yep."

Another secret Remus and Lily shared was their dirty habit. She hated the smell in her clothes but over the summer, with Remus visiting more, she began to pick up his bad habits. Like smoking.

It was the only thing that would take the ache away, let him forget, calm him down. It used to be just near the full-moon, but now it was more about stress of all varieties. He watched his mother smoke the stress of a day away and picked up on it. She was mad at the start but soon learned it helped take the edge off. As long as he bought his own. When he was spending more time with Lily over the summer, she started too. Her mother didn't find out though. She was careful about it. Only smoking when her parents were working and only doing it away from her house. When Petunia found a box of cigarettes in Lily's room, Lily had to tell her that they were magical pranks and exploded in your face when lit. Petunia didn't question her, only left the room, huffing about barbaric, worthless people.

.

.

By the time they reached the highest part of the tower, Lily's legs were aching and her fingers were pulling out a cigarette from the box she has hidden in her school bag. The tower wasn't empty however. Apparently Sirius had the exact same idea as Remus and Lily. He was perched on the ledge of the tower, looking out over the forest.

"Alright, Mooney? Evans." he muttered without turning around to the two arrivals.

"How did you know it was us?" Lily asked, slightly uneasy.

"I've a keen nose for the smell of authority." Sirius smiled, turning and hopping off the ledge. Remus saw him tucking a piece of battered parchment into his cloak pocket with a wink towards the werewolf.

"Two prefects smoking, something naughty there. What are you two up to?" Black asked casually but eyeing Remus, who had his eyes focussed on the almost invisible moon. Remus pulled his packet of cigarette out of his pocket and held one out to Sirius who accepted it. "Cheers, mate. I'm shocked at you, Evans. Didn't think you'd be a smoker."

"I have my stressful days." She replied, eyeing him warily.

"Ah, don't we all."

"What do you have to be stressed about?" Lily asked, joining him at the ledge. She didn't pick up on his attitude.

"Love, my dear. Love. Seems like Marlene doesn't actually want to go out with me. I thought she was playing hard to get." Lily tried to swallow a laugh. It was common knowledge that Marlene McKinnon did not go on dates. Everyone had their theories but as Marlene said, her family had decided her marital fate since she was a child and there was no point in trying to fight it.

"And you're upset that you can't sleep with her?" Remus half laughed. "There's plenty around, mate."

"Shut it, Remus or I'll knock you off the tower. Marlene is wicked. Have you _seen_ her legs?" Sirius shifted uncomfortably and moved off of the ledge, tossing half the cigarette off the tower.

"Yeah she is, but she's off limits on her own rules." Lily re-informed him. "She chose not to go with anyone for a reason so don't take it so badly, Black. Why should she date somebody now and fall in love when she will only have to break up with them after school to get married?"

"Hmm... I'm still not used to that reaction." he sighed, immediately regretting his loss of fag.

"What did she do?" Remus smirked, looking at his friend's dismay.

"She looked me straight in the eye and said no, smiled and wished me a good day."

"So you have never been rejected before. Lucky you." Lily rolled her eyes, flickering momentarily at Remus, who was smirking.

"She just acted like I asked her if she had a spare quill handy."

"You need to get over yourself," Remus said, shocking both Sirius and Lily. "You don't get every girl. Stop thinking that they all want to shag you."

"I know they _all_ don't want to shag me. Evans here would be quite happy with her legs crossed until she's forty," Sirius half joked. Lily went red and Remus pursed his lips. "Besides, I don't want to shag every bird in this place."

"Every weekend you have a new date." Lily scoffed, trying to hide her blushed face.

"No, every weekend I hang around with someone else. I'm a good laugh, Evans. Just because I'm hanging around with a girl doesn't mean I'm shagging them. I can have female friends."

"That discretion is going to dampen your reputation." Smirked Remus, pulling his legs up and over the ledge of the tower, the way Sirius was sitting before.

"Let it. I don't really care. I'm sick of people thinking that's all I care about. Sirius Black, the lady magnet." Sirius muttered, dropping his fag off of the astronomy tower and moving towards the stair case. "Have fun whatever you two do."

"Bye, Sirius," They both called after him, before leaning against the wall of the tower.

"Is he really the lady magnet people say?" Lily asked, curious about Sirius's reputation.

"Not at all. He like doing a lot but he's never slept with anyone."

"What? Never? But I hear loads of girls implying they have slept with him!"

"It is never more than a snog in a broom cupboard. But one girl wants to beat another and he just lets them talk."

"That's insane. The way he talks, you would think he's dropping knickers everywhere."

"Ha. He did bring back a pair once, as a trophy, but he never went that far."

"How do you know that he just isn't telling you?"

"He tells us everything else. It's disgusting. The only one who has had sex is James."

"And you." Lily blushed with a coy smile.

"And me," Remus agreed.

"Do you think he knows?" Lily asked Remus, who just shrugged.

"About us? I dunno. Do we tell people?" Remus asked, and she received the same response that he gave her.

"I guess there is nothing to tell, until we know." Lily pondered out loud, moving into Remus's arms. He dropped the butt of his cigarette to the ground and squashed it with his toe.

"Agreed." He smiled, kissing her. "It's cold up here, so I don't know how long we'll be able to survive."

"Two more minutes," she said against his lips.

When the two returned to the Gryffindor tower, they were watched closely by Sirius who then looked at James for clarification. James gave them a small wave, with the hand that wasn't holding Morgan's, and nodded to Remus.

"Well, goodnight Remus." Lily smiled before heading up to her room.

"See you tomorrow." He replied. He ignored his friends, choosing instead to his the showers. He didn't like the look in Sirius's eye. He didn't know why he didn't want to tell his friends. Lily would probably tell hers. But telling Sirius, James and Peter would be solidifying something he didn't even know was there yet.

**Again, if you did not read my Author's note on the top regarding smoking, please do so now.**


	4. November 19th, 1976, Hogwarts

**When I first envisioned my Remus Lupin, it was before JKR wrote about his past on Pottermore so it won't follow his History as canon but it will not contradict the books, if possible. I have added bits of the Pottermore canon to the story, like his name and such, but that is it, and will post up more of his father in later chapters.**

**Chapter 4: November 19****th****, 1976, Hogwarts**

_Remus woke up extra early on September 1__st__, 1970. He was just hours away from attending the school his father went to, the very place he was told he would never go. His mother tried her best to isolate him as a child, for his own safety and the safety of the neighbouring children. But now he was going to live in a castle with hundreds of other students. The prospect of an actual social life loomed in the very near future. Dumbledore assured him that measures were taken to ensure that each and every student and staff member in the school would be protected from him at the school. He missed most of what Dumbledore would say due to the overwhelming excitement of the situation. He did remember however that Werewolves were not always liked or respected in the magical community.  
>He felt bad for leaving his mother though, she was a muggle, and worked very hard to incorporate her son's magical life with her own. Without the help of his father though, she struggled. He did not want to leave her completely alone. She gave up a lot of her social life when Remus was infected.<br>He took a few moments in his bedroom to look at a photo of his father, tall and proud, standing side by side with his friend Damocles; a fellow potioneer. He would be walking the same halls as his father, maybe even sleep in the same room. He was a Ravenclaw, clever and witty. His mother loved him beyond belief, and Remus sometimes felt as if she blamed Remus for his father's death. Remus often believed it.  
>Despite his early rise, his mother was up earlier, preparing breakfast and packing last minute things for the trip. She hugged him when he entered the kitchen, her eyes teary.<br>"I wish I could visit you at school." she whispered against his head.  
>"Me too, mum, but you won't be able to even see it. It's charmed."<br>"I have something for you." She smiled, pressing Remus into his chair at the table. There was a large fry in front of him but he was too curious to eat. "I was saving this for your Seventeenth… your father said it was traditional at Seventeen. But I think it would like it now, more than ever."  
>She handed him an old box, scuffed and faded but it was wrapped in a shiny new bow. He pushed the bow aside, and creaked open the box, revealing a watch. It wasn't new, but polished and clean. It featured a wolf baying at the full moon on the clock face. He turned over the watch in his hand, finding engravings on the back.<em>

_Remo Lupin  
>Pierre Lupin<br>Jean-Luc Lupin  
>Jonathan Lupin<br>Lyall Lupin  
>Remus Lupin<em>

"_It goes back quite some time… I suspect you could make the markings smaller by magic, if you ever have a son of your own…" her voice faded away, realising what she had said. They talked about his future, his likelihood of a family, of friends even. She was trying to prepare him for reality. It only hurt him more. He ran his finger over the name _Remo_, a variant of his own name, he guessed.  
>"Thanks, mum," he stood to hug her, squeezing her tightly she was such a small woman. Remus had already outgrown her, even though he didn't consider himself tall.<br>"Your father's family had an unnatural obsession with wolves. I suppose it's where they got their name… It's why your father researched werewolf related potions so much. He was incredibly passionate about finding a cure."  
>"Why? All of this happened after the bite…"<br>"He had a friend, some years back. One that couldn't handle it anymore."  
>"What happened to him?" Remus asked, sitting back down at the table. When his mother didn't answer, he knew the answer. He understood too, why somebody would do such a thing.<br>"The professor who came to help you shop for Hogwarts… eh…"  
>"Professor Burbage."<br>"Yes, lovely lady. She had it engraved for me when she brought you to Diagon Alley. What does she teach at Hogwarts?"  
>"Muggle studies," Remus chuckled. His mother gave a light laugh and reached out for the watch. She fastened it around her son's thin arm, but it was quite a bit too loose.<br>"I'm sure somebody can tighten it for you at school, love." She had a sadness in her eyes, but held back the tears well.  
>"Do you want me to go? I will stay if that is what you want."<br>"Of course I want you to go. It is where you belong. I just worry about you, Remmy, I am scared. You father would be so proud of you, love."  
>"I will be fine. I am ready for this, mum. I'm scare too but in a good way."<br>"I know you are. Just keep to yourself, love. Don't go making anybody suspicious. It won't do you any good to have people being nasty to you for what you are." She smoothed out her son's hair with a kiss as he began to pick at his food but his stomach was rolling. He couldn't wait to board the train, but what his mother said, what she had been saying for the past month, still rang in his ears. People will hate him for what he was._

.

.

.

.

The idea of Remus taking Lily on a date which managed to remain in the castle was beyond comprehension. She had no idea what they would be doing. She has heard of boys bringing girls out on picnics or into the forest or some lonesome tower for alone time, but Remus didn't appear that cheesy or cliché. She was half expecting him to break her into the kitchens.

Remus was on her mind all too often as of late and it was keeping her up at night, and disturbing her school work. She had fancied him for some time but never thought of herself as bold enough to seduce him at the wedding. He looked very handsome in his suit and the alcohol made her feel absolutely invincible. The first time was rushed and awkward and made her ache for a while but it was during the second time, when they were more sober and collected, that she feel her body relax into his arms and enjoy the act. She curled into him to sleep afterwards, knowing that she would never regret what she did.

She remembered trying to keep a straight face the next morning in front of her parents. They had breakfast in the hotel restaurant, listening to them criticise the 'shocking behaviour' of a couple of Petunia's friends who weren't yet married but shared a hotel room. It made her stomach turn. If her parents knew of her and Remus, they would disown her. The shame she was feeling was only quenched when Remus took her hand under the table and gave it a tight squeezed.

Lily had woken up early on Friday morning, her thoughts on that night prevented her from falling back to sleep. She decided to start the day early and entered the cold bathrooms off the girls' dormitory. With a frown she leaned into the mirror, eyeing a black head emerging on her forehead. "Go away, you stupid thing." She cursed.

She heard Marlene enter – the only other living soul awake this time of the morning – but did not move her eyes from the tiny pinprick dot.

"Are you talking to yourself again?" her friend asked, her Welsh accent curving a smile onto Lily's lips. She loved Marlene's accent. It suited her in a very comely but unpretentious way.

"There is nothing wrong with that." Lily protested, with a smirk.

"No, in-fact Bedlam recommends it." Marlene teased, joining her ginger friend at the sink and started splashing water on her face. "You are up early. What is on your mind?"

"Nobody in particular. Just trying to figure out why boys are so annoying." Remus' secrecy over their date was pissing on her control-freak side of her personality. "And I'm trying to pop this black-head with my mind."

"They aren't all annoying. I'll set ye' up with Jeremy Mulligan in seventh year if you like. He's nice. He has asked about you." Jeremy was second cousins to Marlene and the object of Lily's affections back in third year. She used to blush if he was anywhere near her, to her own embarrassment.

"No you're alright. I don't see how blind dates can be in anyway helpful." Trying to make her forget about Jeremy.

"How would it be a blind date? You know Mulligan. Actually, you have given detention to Mulligan."

"All the more reason to decline your generous offer. Speaking of dates; I hear you're crushing Black's heart."

"He's being dramatic." Marlene asked casually, as she brushed her hair into a manageable pony-tail. "Besides, I don't want boyfriends. No point."

"Is your mum still pressing you to consider McLaggan?"

"Didn't I tell you? He's married. Eloped actually." Marlene laughed.

"How terrible." Lily rolled her eyes.

"Oh he was awful pompous. I don't mind really. Just give me a man who'll let me do my own thing and I'll be happy."

"I don't think that's the point. I think he's meant to do it for you," Lily said seriously but her voice dripping in the expectation of a laugh. Marlene smacked her arm.

"Stoppit you!" She giggled, unable to keep her chuckles down.

"Anyway, why don't you just give Sirius his date and be done with it."

"I just don't like him."

"You don't care if you like your future husband or not but you won't give Sirius a date because you don't like him. How does that work? Maybe your mum wants you to marry Sirius!"

"Hardly, not after he ran away to live with the Potters. Mother says he's too much of a radical. I don't like his reputation, anyway. Have you heard with Betty Power said about what they did last week?"

"He's not like that at all!" Lily found herself shocked that she was defending Sirius Black. However the night on the astronomy tower and her conversation with Remus changed how she saw him.

"I'm sorry?"

"I don't think he really behaves like that- Sleeping around I mean. Think about it. All the girls who claimed they shagged him are liars at the best of times."

"How do you know this?"

"Remus told me. Sirius Black is just somebody who wants a bit of love because he never got any love at home."

"Fleeting love he finds in broom cupboards."

"Yes but he doesn't shag them. How unhygienic would sex in a broom cupboard be?" Lily joked. Marlene reddened at the word _sex_, which confused Lily since _shagging_ seemed to be acceptable.

"S'pose. Either way, I don't want a date with him."

"Suit yourself. Any plans for the weekend?"

"Homework mostly. And I've to write home to my mother telling her how extremely regular my womanly troubles are." Marlene frowned but laughed at the same time. With this Lily clamped her hand over her mouth and fell back into the sink, causing her to scream in pain as her lower back collided with two taps.

.

.

.

.

"Are you sure I don't have any bruises?" Lily asked later that afternoon. She cornered Marlene in the ladies on the fifth floor and heaved up her robes for her friend to check her lower back.

"No, none. Now pull down your robes before someone comes in. Chins will wag. Who will see the blasted thing anyway?" Marlene scolded her, walking out of the stall as Lily adjusted her robes.

"Oh gosh, the gossip. Two Gryffindor's in a bathroom stall, one bearing her back! The shame!" Lily cried, linking Marlene's arm and walking out of the bathroom and towards the Charms classroom.

As she sat herself into her desk, she rubbed the base of her back before slinging her book out of her bag and on to the table.

"Bum sore, Evans? Someone's been on the ground too roughly." she heard Black whisper. Lily span around, seeing him grinning ear to ear. "I'm sure James here could rub it better." Lily burned bright red at this. She was never surprised to be jeered at by Sirius, but he mentioned her bum and that was unexpected.

"It's my back, and no thanks. I had an incident with a sink tap if you must know." She snapped back.

"I hope you had fun earning that injury. I am good at all kinds of healing. James is too, if you would prefer that."

"I'm gonna punch you in the throat, Black," she heard James grumble from behind Black. James never addressed his best friend by his surname, or talked so harshly to him. She tried to ignore what they were saying but she couldn't block it all out.

"Being shy today, Potter?" He smirked and turned to Remus with a wink. "How 'bout you, Remus, how are you good at massages? I'm sure she'd let _you _give it a try."

Sirius was suddenly flung backwards in his chair and was grappling at this throat. The sound of choking mad made Marlene and Lily spin in their seats to see the action. James had reached over his own desk and him Sirius by his tie from behind. Sirius's eyes were panicked, eyeing Remus and calling out to him in hoarse croaks. Lily curled her lips between her teeth to stop herself from laughing. With an angry sign, Marlene swished her wand, severing the tie, and James went toppling back into his seat once more and Sirius began to breathe again.

"Blimey, mate, what the hell are you trying to do?" Sirius snarled hoarsely, rubbing his throat.

"Keep your mouth shut, Black."

"Fuck, what did I do? I was only pushing her buttons."

"Stop being such a dick." Remus snapped at him as he regained control of his breathing.

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.

"Oi, Black." Marlene called over the noise of the Gryffindor Common-room.

"McKinnon. Thanks again for freeing me for the so-called best-friend that is Potter." Sirius dramatically bowed to her, a wicked grin on his face.

"You never thanked me the first time." She smirked, crossing her arms.

"I was choking. Sorry if I missed a breath."

"Anyway, I wanted to ask you something important."

"Go on." He nodded, leaning against a table.

"Whats your brother like?"

"Fucks sake, McKinnon, you could have just said no to me. You don't have to go dating my brother just to make a point."

"Oh that's not what it's about! Come here." Marlene dragged Sirius out of the common-room and up to the boy's empty dormitories. "Look, I just saw something... odd."

"Well if you saw my brother, than yeah, he is the something odd."

"No. I saw him down at the lake today, getting all cosy with Snape and Mulciber."

"They're in the same house, McKinnon."

"Snape is in our year, Mulciber in seventh. I highly doubt they were tutoring him. They saw Sally Madley, the head girl nearby they scarpered."

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because my mother has it in her head that your brother, or someone of equally pure bloody and pompous name, would make a good suitor for me and I am not marrying into a family of Dark Lord Supporters." Marlene finally cried, the weight of the secret lifted from her shoulders.

"Are you serious? Your mother is choosing your husband? You're sixteen! Do you even get a say in the matter, McKinnon?"

"Of course I do. Kind of. I have to make my mother happy. Over Christmas my mother is having a party with all her 'friends' and their sons. It's really her way of defining their level of wealth. I guess I will go for the least disgusting one."

"So there is more than one option?"

"Maybe, depends. The sons get a say as well. If they don't think I'm wife-material, they won't bother, I suppose."

"Glad I'm away from that shit." Sirius gave a half smile.

"Wish you weren't. It'd be so much easier marrying a friend."

"We are friends? And you'd marry me?"

"'Course we are. I saved your life. And I would like to marry somebody who thinks it is all as ridiculous as I do." She smiled.

"But you don't have one drink with me?"

"Sirius, I don't go on dates." Marlene smiled sympathetically. "I have to go. I haven't had dinner yet. Quidditch training tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah, at half five." Sirius called back, watching her go.

"I'll be there. Bye," she said cheerily.

A long, low whistle filled the air. Black whipped around to see Peter lying on his back on the bed.

"Tough blow, mate." the short boy consoled.

"Were you there the whole time?" Sirius asked; he was sure that the room was empty when he entered.

"I was looking for my eagle quill under the bed when you came in. Y'know, as Wormtail. Was she serious about marrying you?"

"Why the hell does she do that?" Sirius shouted. "She says things like that as if she has told me that is might rain today! Does she not realise what she is doing to me?"

"Want me to go find out?" Peter smirked. Sirius shivered at the thought of Peter sneaking into the girls' dorm in rat form. They had yet to test out the girls' stair case in animal form.

"No, I want you to go down to dinner and find my brother. Follow him back to the Slytherin common-room if you can."

"Why?" Peter sat up and rubbed his face. He was often used as the sneaky spy.

"Were you asleep under there? Did you hear what she said?"

"I heard, I heard." He moaned.

"Just do it. Listen to any conversations he might have with Mulciber or Snape."

"You owe me," Peter smiled, hopping off his bed and leaving the dorms.

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius agreed, as he sat down on his own bed. His little brother, the perfect little Black spawn, was a little shit. But he was his brother and he intended to help keep him out of this madness that is Voldemort's uprising.

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Lily and Remus finished up prefect rounds fifteen minutes early so they could start their date early. Remus had James's invisibility cloak ready under his cloak and threw it over them in the entrance hall.

"Where are we going, Remus?" she whispered, sliding her hand into his. They were halfway down the lawns of Hogwarts, heading towards the forbidden forest.

"I have something to show you… I want you to know exactly what I am." Remus bit his lip, sure he was making a mistake. While decided what they should do for their date, he came to the conclusion that he could not lead her on until she knew everything about him.

"You are scaring me a little," Lily half laughed.

"Wait here for a second." Remus pulled Lily to a stop, whipped out his wand and skilfully levitated a stick to prod the knot of the tree that immobilised the tree.

"That's how it's done! I tried using _Immobilis_ on it once. It smacked me in the face." Lily giggled until Remus started pulling her towards it. "Wait, we are going in there? But that's-"

"You need to see it." Remus confirmed before hopping down into the tunnel and holding his hand out for Lily to follow him. They traced the tunnel, each step a second nature to Remus but Lily stumbled every now and again. Remus kept his arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

They finally came to the door leading to the Shrieking Shack. Remus creaked it open slowly, as if he was unsure the hinges would sustain high velocity. Lily reasoned in her head that it probably would, since the whole house was meant to support an adolescent werewolf twelve times a year.

"This place is creepier than I thought," Lily mused, as she walked down the hall. There was a layer of dust coating the furniture and mud tracked down the floors. She could see sections of the walls which seemed to have had the wall paper ripped by claws. She pressed her hand along one part of the wall, splinters pricking her fingers where five claw marks used to be.

"Do you remember any of this?" she asked, gesturing to the damage in the hallway.

"My clarity during the full moon is for another discussion, another day." Remus sighed. "But mostly, no."

"Oh." She ran her hand across the claw marks again and furrowed her brow. "Five."

"Five?"

"Five claws…"

"I've got five fingers. Five claws. Most people wouldn't get close enough to a werewolf, or a standard wolf and love to detail the difference." Remus spread his hand on top of Lily's yet it still did not stretch to the size of the claw marks. "I've transformed over a hundred times and things like that still scare me."

Lily looked up, surprised by his admission. She turned her hand around in his and squeezed it. "Let's leave." She suggested, the vibe of the shack getting to her bones.

"No. This way," Remus insisted, pulling her through a pair of large double-doors and into another room. It looked like it should be a living room come dining room, with its large hearth and dividing wide arch but it was bare of almost all furniture except for a torn up sofa, the cushions of which lay strewn and ripped apart on the floor and a few rugs, also shredded. It looked like the floor was once carpeted too, but that was ripped up. "This is it."

Remus took out his wand and flicked it at the gas lamp attached to the walls. It was only when the room was sufficiently lit did the chills seep right under Lily's skin. There were vast amount of rusty-red blood scattering the room, smeared on the sofa and walls and one particularly vast patch staining the floor. Lily gasped and covered her mouth with her free hand, the other gripped Remus's so tightly that her knuckled turned white. She had never imagined this. He knew he hurt himself each month but this was a horror show. It set in stone that this infection did exist within her friend. She turned to Remus and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"I'm so sorry…" she cried into his jumper.

"For what?" he asked, perplexed, trying to see her face but she kept it pressed to his chest.

"For having to do this alone. For having to do it at all. For you having to come here when you don't need to, just to show me." Her voice was so mumbled that he almost didn't understand. He almost let out that he was never alone, not anymore, but cause himself.

"I'm not- you don't have to be sorry." He changed his words quickly, hoping she didn't notice. "There is nothing that can be done."

She didn't notice. She had turned back towards the room, taking it all in again. Her stomach was doing summersaults and she felt like she would be sick any minute. "Remus, this is awful. I wish there was something I could do for you."

"There isn't. Do you want to leave?" he asked, holding out his hand. She nodded quickly and followed him from the room, out of the house and back into the tunnel.

"That was emotionally intense," Lily admitted as Remus pulled her out of the tunnel. He had reached around the propped the knot of the tree so it was statuesque for the time being.

"Do you understand why I showed you?" Remus asked, letting go of her hand and looking at her with an intense gaze.

"I'm sure I will when you tell me. Honestly, I'm a little frightened."

"Good. It's wise to be. I had to make you see what I truly am. I am a werewolf. Twenty-four seven, three sixty-five. Not just on the full moon. It affects me all the time. It takes charge of my emotions, my hormones and my mind at times. I try my best to suppress them but it makes the transformations worse. It's in my blood and my DNA. If I bite your lip too hard and break skin, there is no guarantee that it won't affect you. And that frightens me. I am afraid I will push you too much, _it_ will push _me_ too much." His voice raised a bit and he glanced to the castle, yet most of the students were asleep and they were still too far away for anyone to hear their conversation.

"Do you want to bite me when we are together?" Lily asked seriously, her frightened expression morphed to a curious one.

"A few times I did. I wanted to bite your neck and sink my nails into you. It was hard not to when we…"

"Maybe that's…. normal." Lily shrugged.

"Normal? Lily, this is far from normal!"

"You wouldn't be the first person to bite a girl in the throes of passion, Remus. Or want to grip them tightly."

"But how do I know? I have been this _thing_ since I was seven. How can I tell the difference? It's the only way I will experience sex. I don't know how _normal_ men feel."

"Have you talked to the lads? Maybe James or Sirius could give you some insight?" Lily suggested, looking at her feet. Remus only laughed at the suggestion.

"No. We don't… talk about that kind of thing. Well, I don't, neither does James."

"Oh…"

"Besides, it would involve telling them about _us_ and I don't really want to, for now."

"Yes, all right. Look, I think you are overthinking it all. It was me who seduced you, but if you uncomfortable with it all. I will understand if you want to take a step back from me."

"No I- I really, really like you. And loved that it was you and nobody else. I think I just need to get my head around it all and find out what I can and can't do to you- _with_ you." Remus flushed at his words, as did Lily. She struggled to meet his eye in embarrassment. Her hands found his again and she knitted their fingers together.

"Good," she muttered before pressing her lips to Remus's.

They walked back to the castle, without the invisibility cloak this time. Remus had assured her that he would hear anybody approach and she didn't argue with him. He had his arm around her shoulders as they walked, their feet in the same rhythm. When they reached the first landing of the Grand Staircase, they came eye-to-eye with a tabby cat, sitting as still as a statue. Apparently Remus's hearing didn't pick up on paws that light. Remus gulped loudly as he seized on the stop, and Lily looked perplexed.

"It's just a cat, Remus," Lily assured him. He nodded his agreement but he didn't cease to relax. He couldn't tear his eyes from the speckled markings squaring its eyes. He watched the cat watch them back and gave it a nervous nod which it seemed to return before it followed them all the way back to the Gryffindor common-room.

"Maybe it lives here." Lily mused and held the portrait open for it, even crouched down to try and coax it in but the cat did not indulge in the girl's efforts.

"Probably not. I'm sure she will be okay."

"She?" Lily asked, amused.

"Of course. It looks like a female cat." Remus smirked, nodding to the cat once more and closing the portrait hole. He was rather surprised that Lily didn't realise who the cat was. Students have been saying for years that McGonagoll was an animagus but few had seen her transform. She had used her cat form as an advantage hen accompanying Remus to the Shrieking Shack for the first few times, positive that he would have no threat. When he relayed this information to his friends after they found out, it sparked their interest in the arts of transfiguration and pushed them into a three year journey into becoming animagi themselves. Anyone who looked at the Register for Animagi would see her name, animal form and distinct markings detailed, but not many people would have such reason.

The common room was empty and Remus gave Lily a quick kiss goodbye before they parted ways.

In bed, Lily's mind was racing. She couldn't cope with everything she had witnessed. The house, the broken furniture, the dried in blood stains. It was all too much. She pulled open her drawer to retrieve a small purse, crept into the bathroom and quietly puffed away at a cigarette as she hung her torso out of a window. She knew sleep would not come easy to her tonight.

**Cheers guys! Hope this chapter wasn't too boring. I am trying to add humour but that is my weak point.**

**Please let me know what you think.**

**Love and other menaces,**

**D D**


	5. November 27th, 1976, Hogwarts

**You guys have no idea how giddy it makes me to see how many views my story has got! Ahhhhhh! :D Thank you all.**

**Disclaimer: Anything recognisable from the HP universe is not mine and I will never ever claim to own it or profit from it. **

_Sirius Black was seven years old when he watched his brother fell out of a tree and broke his arm. Mending his arm was the first piece of accidental magic the older boy had ever done. It was mostly out of fear and guilt, as he had be jeering his brother to climb higher and higher. His mother shone with pride at his talents and sent Regulus to his room without dinner for climbing such heights._

"_That's a good boy," Walburga smiled, giving Sirius a biscuit. Sirius silently took the biscuit with only a mumble of a 'thank you' and left the room. He climbed the stairs right up to his brother's room, where he found him sulking in the corner. The two boys split the biscuit and before long, they had forgotten the tree incident and were playing pin-the-tail-on-the-house-elf._

_Sirius was nine the first time he first heard of Death Eaters. He watched his parents read the papers intensely and talk to their wealthy friends about 'cleaning up the gene pool' and 'pruning the branches of the family tree'. When Sirius asked what the Death Eaters did, his parents told him they were making pure bloods strong again. This made Sirius happy. He knew he was a pure-blood and he wanted to be strong, and tall, and able to lift really heavy things and fly and have lots of friends. Like all little boys, this also followed by wanting to be some kind of superhero._

_When Sirius was ten, he watched his mother burn a hole in the family tree with her wand and a wickedly fierce expression on her face. A woman, whose face he had almost forgotten, was scorched off the large tapestry for marrying a Muggle-Born and dirtying the family. Sirius understood now what 'pruning the branches' meant. It was the first time he heard the word mud-blood._

_When Sirius was eleven, he went to Hogwarts. The night before he was to board the Hogwarts express for the first time, his father sat down with him and told him that he was to be in Slytherin and to befriend children of pure ancestry alone and that people with muggle blood were dirty and not good friends. His true friends will be pure blood Slytherins and they will honour the custom of pure-blood pride. He would be respected in society and guaranteed heir to the Black family. The following day, he defied his father. One, he was sorted into Gryffindor. Two, he befriended a half blood with a muggle mother, Remus. And three, his only pure-blood friend, James, was the 'wrong sort' of pure-blood, from a fallacious and dishonoured family._

_When Sirius was sixteen, on December 23__rd__, 1975, he defied his parents in a way that was unforgivable. His mother grabbed him by the hair, with strength unreasonable for a woman of her age, pulled him down the stairs from his room and into the room that held the family tree. She pressed his face upon the woven wool with great force, pain surrounding the boys head with the pressure. His whole body ached and bled in several places from prior punishments. Her wand was pressed against the tapestry, firing white hot flames against his likeness, smoke arising from it making Sirius feel ill. "You deceitful, ungrateful little brat. You have brought dishonour to your name. You will be punished for this!" her voice grinding every word, her nails digging into her scalp drawing blood. Sirius just about managed to get away as she watched his face burn on the tapestry. He ran for his bedroom, locking the door with his wand. He threw as many of his belongings as possible into his trunk before blasting his own bedroom wall with a permanent sticking charm-just to piss them off- and mounted his trunk to his broom. He didn't look back as he jumped out his window, broom and trunk in tow._

_All the while, Regulus Black watched the scene unfold, his face drained of all colour, mentally signing an invisible contract with himself to do whatever it took to avoid that kind of violence from either parent. No matter what._

_._

_._

_._

_._

Sirius wasn't impressed with his dreams keeping him up all night. They were a constant reminder of how close he came to becoming a pure-blood maniac, like his family, and also of his brother. He hoped every day that Regulus wasn't too far gone to be saved. Despite being already blasted off the family tree, he still felt responsible for his younger brother. The nightmares weren't nearly as bad as they used to be, but they still made him sweat. Even the happy memories, because now he pictured a demon in the room, a demon trying to control his life and watching his every move. When he told James about the dreams, his friend did not laugh, or serve him with pity. James just shrugged and told him everyone had their demons; Sirius's just happened to be his mother. He used to dread Christmas. It was a Muggle tradition that was not celebrated in the Black household, even though most of the Wizarding community accepted it generations back. He would usually stay in the castle with the few other students who didn't go home. Remus stayed in first year and fourth year, due to the timing of the full-moon, only Sirius didn't know it in first. Last year, Sirius had come home, under the pretence that he had actually wanted to visit his family. Really, he just wanted to go to a Party with James. That was the year all hell broke loose and he ran away from his home for good. This year, he was compromised. He wanted so bad accept the James' invite and join him at his house for Christmas, but after the events of the summer, he didn't think he would feel comfortable, despite the Potters' house being like a second home to him; after Hogwarts.

Kicking off his bed sheets, he slipped into a pair of jogging pants and runners and left the dormitory discreetly. It was early enough on a Saturday morning so he guessed that he would have a fair amount of privacy for a run around the grounds of the castle. He took his time getting to the entrance hall, willing himself to go out into cold morning air. He stretched his legs before slipping out into the court yard and took off at a jog, his lungs rejecting the icy air with a cold burn. He kept going though, running faster and faster until his legs had numbed and the adrenalin kicked in. Once he got to that point, it got easier. When he reached the edge of the woods, he dipped behind a thicket of bushed and changed into Padfoot, and picked up speed again. He could run faster as a dog and it gave him a certain thrill. It was a different sensation entirely. He could smell and hear a thousand times better so his lack of sight wasn't restricting. He could feel each footfall under his paws, the thick leathery pads pressing onto sticks, leaves, ice and soil. It was a wonderful feeling, being so free. He even grey to love the wind whipping around his fur and his tail slicing through the air. Each time he transformed, he was more comfortable with it. The sensation of hairs prickling his body until he was covered in fur was less itchy now. For the first while, his clothes were a nuisance. It took a while to master that. Within a few months they had mastered how to control external items, such as clothes and shoes. They would simply disappear until he changed back again but it required a certain level of concentration. When he was stressed or even on one occasion, drunk, he became tangled in the fabrics just as he had the first time he transformed. Focus was key. He made his way around the lake and back through the woods when his nose picked up the scent of smoke. Cigarette smoke. He aimed towards it, nicotine suddenly becoming a burdening crave on his mine. He changed back to himself shortly before he reached the edge of the woods and kept jogging towards where he thought the scent had arisen.

He slowed down to a walk at the green houses and could see no tell-tale signs of somebody smoking nearby but the smell remained in the air. He was about to turn a corner with a boisterous reprimand but was halted by the sight in front of him. From the back, he knew it was Remus. His hair colour, posture and build was a positive identification. The girl he had backed against the wall of the green house was concealed though. He could only see her arms when they wrapped around Remus's neck.

"Lily," he whispered against her lips and Sirius' heart leapt out of his chest. The girl moaned a reply that comprised of no words, just sounds emitted between two pairs of lips. Sirius had no idea how long he was watching them. He was in awe and complete disbelief. Remus and Lily. Remus had sworn off having girlfriends. Maybe they weren't together? No. Remus swore off physical activity with anyone. He wouldn't risk it. He wouldn't lead Lily on either. _She knows,_ Sirius though. _Fuck, does she know about the rest of us?" _He had to know.

When he cleared his through, Remus and Lily jumped apart and the look of terror in their eyes flashed to relief.

"Oh, it's you. Shit, mate, I thought you were McGonagoll." Remus exhaled, then looked between Lily and Remus. Lily's eyes were glued to her feet, her face pink. Whether it was with the cold or embarrassment, Remus could not tell but he could offer up a good guess.

"Nice to see you too, buddy," Sirius smirked, his eyes alight. "Well well, aren't you a little deviant, Evans. I should have known. I could smell it off you two at the tower."

"Black…" Lily started, unable to look him in the eye just yet.

"How much does she know?" Black tried to keep his face free of any seriousness but he couldn't keep it out of his voice.

"All of it." Remus confirmed, glaring his friend in the eye.

"All?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, everything." Remus looked him in the eye, then looked down, back up at him with a wink. "I've shown her the shack. I showed her everything. Where I go. Where I transform… alone."

_Alone._ He didn't tell her everything. But he was letting her believe that was everything. He could deal with that.

"I'm just shocked." Sirius admitted, shaking his worries from his head. He pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it with his wand. His first inhalation looked like ti was going to knock him out.

"Honestly, so am I." Remus gave Lily a quick smile and squeezed her hand lightly.

"We don't want to tell anyone yet, Sirius," Lily spoke up. "Until we know what this is. It's new."

"How long has this been going on?" Sirius asked, genuinely interested now. He never even thought of Lily as a girl who would be dateable. She was always hold up in the library studying and always seemed to have a stress level that would cause an ordinary person to have a coronary.

"Two weeks." She admitted with a shy smile.

"Since your sister's wedding, am I right?" Sirius smirked again. Lily nodded. "Well, you know weddings are famous for hook-ups." He winked. Lily protested.

"It wasn't like that." Lily snapped. She would never regret their night together but she didn't want anybody walking around thinking she was some kind of Harlet.

"So you haven't been shagging like bunnies since. Disappointing." Sirius sighed and

"Do you honestly think I would do such a thing, Sirius? Or would Remus?" She asked, with a bit of confidence. Remus was shocked at how cool she was at lying to him.

"Just don't go blabbing your mouth to anyone. It's nobody's business but ours'."

"Suit yourselves," he said, stubbing out his cigarette. "Just watch yourself. Pete is good at hiding in the dorms. Don't do anything in there until you know it's empty."

"Sounds like you're talking from experience." Remus chuckled.

"You could say that," Sirius muttered, recalling Peter eavesdropping on his conversation with Marlene. Even though he did come in handy afterwards, relaying information about the Slytherins, he didn't like the idea of his friends being peeped on.

They walked back up to the castle together, with just enough time to go to the Gryffindor Tower before the halls would fill with people. It was Saturday so they had no classes but they still probably shouldn't be out wandering around at silly hours of the morning.

"Why Marlene, Sirius?" Lily asked curiously as they made their trek up the grand stair case.

"Huh?" Sirius was only half listening. His mind was full of notions of Lily dating one of his best mates. It was beyond comprehension.

"Why are you so obsessed with dating Marlene?" She asked again, trying to make her voice sound harmlessly curious.

"Have you _seen_ her? She is beautiful and Merlin's beard, her legs. But she's also… just Marlene. Coolest girl I've met. No offence," he added with a wink. She couldn't even fault him there. Marlene was at ease with everyone everybody liked her. She was a pureblood but had no stuck up views about people lower than her in society. She befriended Lily in first year, and Mary too. But she was also friends with Morgan and Keira, the other girls in the dorm and most of the guys in fifth to seventh year. She was related to a lot of the pure-bloods in the school, including the Potters, Longbottoms and Mulligans. She had a life-long friendship with Frank Longbottom, which is why she was so disturbed by the possible marriage to him, and also James. Their parents' were close and ran in the same class of people. She once told her that James had been Marlene's first kiss. They were ten and at some stupid social gathering that they were bored out of their minds. They watched Marlene's older brother kiss his girlfriend from a far and wondered why in the world kissing was so appealing. The chaste kiss lasted all of three seconds and resulted in about half an hour of awkwardness between the two.

"I get it. She is cool. But she is really against boyfriends. Surely there is somebody else." Remus chimed in.

"There is always somebody else. Just not her." Sirius shrugged as they got to the Portrait hole. Sirius went straight to his room and Remus followed shortly after saying goodbye to Lily. Okay, so Sirius knew. This meant pretty soon, Peter and James would know. It might make it easier for them. They used to sneak away on rounds to snog, or tell the others they were going for a cheeky cigarette break, but now that Sirius knew, and his reaction was tame enough, other people knowing wouldn't be too bad.

Remus and Sirius met two very serious looking friends in the dorms. Peter had only just gotten back from the Slytherin house where he was playing spy as Wormtail and was sharing the information he over-heard with James. He had been doing this for quite some time now and found ways through the walls to get into it without having to wait for students to get in.

"Sirius, Remus, sit down lads," James looked concerned and Peter looked as if he was about to fall asleep. "Half of the upper years in Slytherin are being talked into the Dark Lord's service. They write to outsiders, but never receive their letters at breakfast with the rest. They have been recruiting fourth years up. It's worse than we though."

"Are we bringing this to Dumbledore." Remus asked, moving to sit opposite James.

"And admit how we heard it? We'd be in more trouble! Well, I would anyway!" Peter complained. "We'll keep an eye on them."

"There is nothing we can do." Remus sighed. "You would all be arrested as animagi."

"My brother?" Sirius questioned.

"He's… as far as I can tell he is scared of them."

"Perfect." Sirius grumbled, flinging open his trunk and grabbing a pair of boxers from within it and fetching a towel from the heater. "If Reg is afraid of something, he runs to it in hope it won't hurt him. Fuck it."

"We can talk to him, Padfoot," James assured him but he knew his efforts would be lost.

"Yeah, whatever," he dismissed them, heading towards the bathroom. He turned back to them one last time, with a wink towards Remus. "Lads, out boy Moony has a girlfriend!"

"Sirius!" Remus chided and grabbed an old Quaffel to throw at him but it only hit the bathroom door.


	6. December 6th, 1976, Hogwarts

**Has anybody seen the Werewolf transformation in Hemlock Grove? Let me tell you, it's amazing. And f**king creepy. The first time I watched it, I felt sick. It's how werewolves should change, in my mind. I don't think I could write it though… I haven't read the Hemlock grove books yet so I don't know how the author describes it but it is as creepy as hell. It is literally shedding human skin. Go watch it. It should be on Youtube.**

**Thank you to fnancynfancy and stefaniewulf for following my story. Normally I send a Thank You PM but I think you have PMs turned off. So here is my gratitude message.**

**I do not, have not, and never will own anything remotely recognisable from the Harry Potter universe.**

**Now here you will see the major differences between my Lyall Lupin and the Canon one. (I used to call him Jonathan.) Most of the 'memory' was taken from a story that I never continued called Life on a Leash. I wrote it 5 years ago. It is written better than this one because it is in first person.**

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_Potioneers were generally respected in magical medicine. They were vital too. Lyall Lupin, Ravenclaw by House, was an exceptionally bright potioneer, working on the third floor of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries; the unit for Potion and Plant Poisoning. Specialising in strengthening potions for those weakened in battle, Lyall spent many hours locked up in his lab, researching and fiddling with potions that would aid and assist the regrowth of body cells, making them stronger and quicker to heal. His internship paper was on the research of specific plants and their effects on magical creatures. His most interesting find was how Alihotsy effects a person I the exact opposite way to Glumbumble, which let him to produce an antidote from Glumbumble for those unfortunate enough to consumer Alihotsy and be sent into hysterical laughter. He was also able to prolong the effects of some plants, which was used for pain relief in all wards of the hospital._

_By night though, he was experimenting with wolfsbane. His interest in werewolves had been passed down throughout his family, generation after generation. But a colleague, Damocles Belby, shared his interest too. They had spent almost ten years researching werewolves, even befriending one. The fur, saliva and blood samples taken from the particular she-wolf was extremely beneficial to their practice but they hadn't made much progress in the suppression of the infection. They gave up when Remus was born, Lyall wanting to spend more time with his son._

_In and around 1986, Fenrir Greyback caught wind of Lyall's talents and approached him to further his work, to develop a potion to allow absolute lucidity during the full moon and even extend the effects. Lyall and Belby knew that Greyback's intentions for this potion were not as a safety precaution, but as assurance that he would be able to target and attack victim more effectively when in wolf form._

_He had pestered Lupin and Belby for months, attempting to bribe them then down right threatening them. When Lyall gave one final refusal, calling Greyback an 'Inhumane animal' Fenrir warned him that he would be punished severely. Greyback didn't strike for another few months, when Remus was seven years old. He I was bitten, half his right arm almost torn off as he held it above his head to protect himself. And his father... in desperation to save him, fed to the woods, howled and cut his own flesh with a knife, hoping the wind would carry the aroma of his fresh blood to distract the dreaded wolf. It sickens Remus each time he dreams of it, sometimes vomiting at the thought of his father's mutilated and devoured body lying forgotten and never to be recovered. While the werewolf feasted on the corpse of his father, Remus ran to cover, securing himself at the side of his mother, a dear muggle woman who was about to learn more of the magical world then she ever could have wanted.__The most frightening night of his life formed him for good, it changed his DNA and remoulded him into a being of evil, of danger, of guilt._

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Remus screamed in pain as his mind began to cloud over, feeling as if his skull was being compressed by all sides. His vision was changing from colour to greyscale. His transformation was beginning and in no time, he would be on four paws. He fell to his knees, his fingers digging into his hair, pulling sharply, trying to relieve the pressure on his brain.

_NO, GO AWAY._ **YES.** _NO._ **EMBRACE ME.** _BLOCK IT OUT._ **LET ME IN.** _GET OUT._ **HUNGRY, SO HUNGRY.** _FOCUS, REMUS, FOCUS._ **HUNGER, BLOOD, FLESH.**

It was the internal argument he had each transformation, as he tried to subdue the wolf that was breaking through his body from the inside, like an explosion waiting to happen. He knew that he could make it easier on himself if he only just embraced the beast, but he feared that it start taking over his personality throughout the rest of the month. He pulled off his jumper and shirt, stuffing them in a corner. His pants followed and his shoes, but he only just made it when his bones started to snap.

_FUCK OFF!_ **FEED ME.** _STOP IT._ **LET ME OUT.** _DON'T HURT ANYONE._ **SHREAD THEM APART.**

He arched his back with a scream as his spine cracked and contorted, stretching out to produce a tail as every one of his skull bones fractured and reshaped to an elongated snout. His skin was suddenly on fire, as if he had been dipped into hot water. He bit down on his own arm to try and quench the pain but his new sharp teeth tore the skin. He could feel each of his hairs pierce his skin from the inside out over every inch of his skin except for his palms and soles of his feet. He felt them change too, lengthening and developing thick pads.

He was vaguely aware of a door opening and the sound of paws hurtling towards him. A furry body pressed on his, the sound of a whimper.

_FRIEND. _**ANIMAL.**___YES, ANIMAL. NOT PERSON. _**HUMAN FLESH, FEED. **_CONTROL! _**SMELL, SCENT, AROMA, MAN, NO, WOMAN.**

_STOP!_

**FEMALE. HUNGER.**

And Remus was gone.

Sirius had seen this a dozen of times now but it never got easier. He was usually the one in the room while Remus transformed, with James waiting in the tunnel as Prongs since stairs were a bit inconvenient for a fully grown stag. Wormtail sometimes sat this part out, and Sirius didn't blame him. He was so small, he was an easy target and it was dangerous enough for Sirius to be with him, mid-transformation. He watched the wolf pant on the floor, as if recovering from a long run. He lay down to, hoping to calm him. The wolf knew him now and he could often coax him into lying down for a while before thy ventured outside the shack. He had no such luck though. He watched it move slowly into the corner where Remus's clothes lay in a bundle and sniff the fabric deeply. Padfoot jumped back suddenly as the wolf let out an abrupt howl and started growling fiercely. This was new. Normally he ignore Remus's clothes, or just shred them up a bit. Sirius ran to him, trying to catch a scent too. The smell of flowery soap and smoke and female lingered on the clothes.

Lily.

She must have been around him before he came down to the tunnel. Remus probably had no clue what effect it would have. He often struggled to realise the little things that could happen since he did not have a clear view from both sides.

The wolf was started to snap and snarl at Sirius, who moved back to block the exit. Sirius made himself bigger, raising his heckles in a rigid stance and bearing his teeth. _Bigger, look bigger_, Sirius told himself. He was bigger than the average house dog, bigger than an Irish wolf hound, bulkier anyway, with black shaggy fur but the wolf was still larger.

The wolf lunged for him, grabbing him by the neck and effortlessly tossing him to the side and breaking through the door, howling. At least with the howling, James would be ready for him. He was. He was at the mouth of the tunnel, waiting for the wolf to emerge from the shack. Peter sprang from a high wall and landed in the wolf's back fur when he was halfway down the tunnel, hitching a free ride. He was also able to keep the wolf in check too, giving him a nip or a bite if he was getting unruly. As James took the wolf head on, delaying his exit with giant antlers, Sirius slipped out past him, getting a head start and putting himself between the wolf and the school. He gave a happy bark to James as he swiftly ran by, as an assurance that he was all right.

Their routine was flawless by now, after thirteen transformation to perfecting it. However, this time the wolf was more to handle, trying to get to the school more often but the boys knew how to keep him in line. Sirius wondered how Remus would take this kind of news in the morning, how he had wanted to hunt down Lily Evans.

Lily was awake all night, looking out her window for any sign of Remus but the tower was facing the wrong direction. She kept her ears open though, her heart would skip a beat every time she would hear a howl. There were wolves in the forest so she had no idea if it was Remus or the pack of wolves.

"Lily?" she heart Morgan roll over in her bed and call out her name. She glanced at the girl who was slinging her legs from her bed. "It's cold, Lily. Can you please shut the window?"

"Yeah sure, sorry," Whispered quickly, quietly swinging the window open. Morgan padded into the bathroom and stayed in there for two minutes before joining Lily at the window.

"You should sleep, Lily. You look a mess." Lily swallowed her retort on Morgan's comment. She meant well, she didn't know she had just insulted her.

"I will. I just feel sick. The worried kind of sick."

"Because of Remus?" Morgan asked innocently. Lily's eyes widened. _Morgan knows._ It was a well-kept secret. How could she know? She figured James must have told her but even so, Remus said he hadn't told her.

"Remus?" Lily asked, feigning confusion.

"He left school ill earlier. I'm sure you would have known. Suspected spattergoit. He was looking awful when I saw Madam Pomfrey with him, escorting him out of the castle." Morgan was looking at Lily analytically between glances out the window.

"Oh that. Yeah… I didn't know that got around." Lily gave a chuckle, hoping she wasn't looking too relieved.

"Everyone was talking about it."

"I'm sure he's fine. I will owl him tomorrow."

"You can't owl people in the infectious disease ward in St. Mungo's. The owls might carry it!" Morgan whispered, as if it was the most obvious piece of information in the world.

"Oh. I didn't know what." Lily shook her head moving away from the window and heading back towards her bed. She quietly opened her trunk, trying not to wake her room mates. Morgan followed her, trying to uphold the conversation but remain unheard.

"Don't worry, you're a muggle-born. It's probably different in your hospitals." Lily had to bite her tongue again to prevent herself from lashing out at that remark. Anyway, I'm going to shower. It's almost dawn."

"I'm going to head down to the common-room."

"I'll see you in class."

Lily slipped into her uniform before heading down to the common room. She didn't stop there though. Lily waited for first light and left the portrait hole, listening carefully for footsteps. She made it to the Grand Staircase and descended until she could see the entrance hall. She took a seat there, her eyes focused on the door. Lily didn't know how long she was sitting there it felt like hours before a figure approached her.

"Ms Evans. You are a tad early for breakfast." Professor McGonagall spoke softly. Lily jumped at the approach and looked up at the teacher with glassy eyes.

"I haven't slept yet, professor. I'm waiting for Remus."

"He's gone home." The older woman insisted, stepping down a few steps to look at Lily.

"No he's not. He has been in the shrieking shack all night."

"Ah. He did tell you. I thought so."

"I figured it out years ago, professor. Nobody told me."

"I will tell him of your concern. I am going to fetch him now."

"May I come, professor?"

"No."

"But-" She protested as she stood but McGonagall shook her head.

"Ms Evans, Remus Lupin is in a fragile state and I know you have the best intentions, which I admire, but believe me when I say that he would rather you didn't see him."

Lily could only hang her head in defeat and wander down towards the great hall for an early breakfast. As she entered the large doors, she heard Professor McGonagall leaving through the outer doors. Pausing for a moment, she waited hoping to see just a glimpse to assure her that Remus was alive. As she lingered, a sound of scurried footsteps caught her attention. The doors opened again and closed but not a soul passed through the doors, yet the footsteps grew louder. Half concealed behind the great hall doors, she watched the figures of James Potter and Sirius Black appear. James was bundling up a large section of fabric and stuffing it in his pocket as Sirius gripped on to a mouse as they raced up the grand staircase. She wanted to call out to them, to find out what they were doing but she knew she would just be faced with lies. Had they been with Remus? Were they actually stupid enough to attend to a werewolf on the full moon?

Lily forgot about her breakfast and headed straight towards the library.


	7. December 7th, 1976, Hogwarts

**I got so nostalgic writing this chapter that I took a break today and curled up watching the Prisoner of Azkaban. Now I think I'll pull it out for a read tonight while I'm babysitting. If I get lost in my character traits, I look back at certain parts of PoA, OotP and DH.**

**Disclaimer: I am not our Queen; JKR, nor will I ever own this franchise.**

_Remus didn't know why but the transformations were getting harder. Dumbledore suggested that it was because he was getting older and was no longer as quick-healing as a child would be. His thighs were aching, along with his arms and neck. His bed was calling him, along with his bottle of dreamless sleep potion in his pocket. He climbed the stairs to the dormitory, grunting with each step._

"_Remus Lawrence Lupin, what in the name of Merlin's man-tits is wrong with you?" Sirius yelled as he ambushed his fellow second year in the doorway to the dormitory. James and Peter were waiting in the room too, sitting on Sirius's bed._

"_My… my middle name isn't Lawrence." Remus stumbled over his words, confused at his friends. He had managed to keep his secret for a year and a month, and each time any of his friends made a sideways glance at him, his heart skipped a beat. He knew they would find out some day but he was hoping they wouldn't until they were older. He hurriedly closed the doors, paranoid over somebody else hearing._

"_Well then, that's something else you didn't tell us!" James exclaimed in a half joking voice. He stood up, taking two long strides towards Remus with his arms crossed._

"_Why didn't you tell us?" Sirius asked. He genuinely looked hurt and confused. Peter hadn't said a word but just kept staring at him._

"_My middle name is John…" Remus gulped. He could feel a sweat break over his forehead and his palms clam up. His heart was beginning to race._

"_Not your stupid middle name, mate. The _other_ thing. We knew something was up but this is _huge." _James threw his arms into the air dramatically._

"_No no…" Remus's voice hitched as he struggled to breathe._

"_I thought we were your friends…" Peter mumbled, looking down at his feet._

"_You were my friends but-" Remus gushed, his eyes not focusing on any of them._

"_Can we still be your friends?" James asked, looking hopeful._

"_What?" Remus took a step backwards. It was an unexpected question. He was waiting for them to ask him to request a new dorm room._

"_Even though we know, can we still be your friends? Or will Dumbledore wipe our memory?" Sirius asked, taking a seat next to Peter._

"_Please don't eat us." Peter muttered._

"_Pete!" James snapped as Sirius smacked the back of his head. "Remus isn't going to _eat_ us. You don't eat people, right?"_

"_Let me sit down." Remus knelt on his bed and fell straight into his pillow, face down. He was already exhausted from the full-moon and just wanted to go to bed. He lay there for a few minutes before turning his head to look at his friends again._

"_You still want to be my friend?" Remus questioned them again, taking in everything. Maybe they didn't fully understand. "I'm a werewolf."_

"_Yes we worked that bit out." Sirius sighed. "Now what are we going to do about it?"_

"_There is no cure." Remus insisted but they just nodded._

"_Yes we know. But you can't do this alone. It's not fair. I would want somebody with me." Peter explained, looking worried._

"_I've been doing it alone for seven years. But thank you. You don't… you don't know…"_

"_What don't we know?" James asked, moving to sit on Remus's bed._

"_How much your friendship means to me." He replied, with a yawn. "But you have to promise not to tell anyone. Not even your parents. Most people don't like werewolves."_

"_Mine won't care!" James protested but Remus shook his head._

"_Nobody can know." Remus repeated. The three boys nodded and Remus closed his eyes again. "Can I go asleep now?"_

"_Sure thing, buddy," Sirius smiled as he ushered the other two out of the dorms_

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Lily spent most of the morning in the Library until she had to grab a quick breakfast of plain toast and pumpkin juice and run up to the Gryffindor tower to get her school bag. She had her eye out for James and Sirius but they didn't seem to be around the common-room so she just left for Potions with Marlene. She hadn't come across any scenario in which two teenage boys could safely be around a raging werewolf without endangering themselves.

"Lily, did you finish that book I lent you?" Marlene asked as they descended the stairs. Lily nodded but said nothing. The red under her eyes was looking more prominent in the brightness of day.  
>"Did you hear anything I just said?" Marlene persisted, glaring at her friend. Again, Lily just nodded and a small sound of <em>Mm-hmm <em>emitted from her closed lips.  
>"Lily, I've secretly been screwing Severus Snape on the Quidditch pitch." Marlene sighed, almost giving up on gaining her attention.<p>

"Okay…" Lily yawned and kept walking before coming to a dead stop. "Wait, you're messing with me."

"And she has come back to earth from the stars. The faeries were good to return you, prodigal one." Marlene laughed. "Where did you go, Lily?"

"Lost in thought. I didn't sleep last night." She mumbled as they turned down into the dungeons corridor.

"I noticed. You and Morgan woke me." Marlene pushed open the heavy door to the potions classroom and held it for Lily who looked like she would more likely get squashed by the door than hold it open if it swung shut on her.

"Sorry. I was just worried. It's nothing though. Anyway, what were you saying before?"

"Did you finish _Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy?_" Marlene pulled out Lily's stool in order to aid her zombie mode as the girl had just unceremoniously dropped her bag to the floor, doing unknown damage to her belongings inside.

"Oh, no. I will soon though. It's good. I've just been busy. Rounds and all."

"You are out later than usual for rounds, Lily. Is something the matter?"

"No, no." Lily replied, probably a bit too quickly. "I just want to prove to be a good prefect."

Marlene wasn't given an opportunity to question her further as Slughorn had entered the room from a side-door and began writing on the board in chalk.

"Alright, class. Today we will be reviewing our Draught of the Living Dead potions and starting on the Flame Protection Potion. This will be a two week project as it must stew and we have to shuffle classes a bit in order to add an ingredient correctly. Now please, groups of four." Slughorn instructed as he handed out graded essays from the previous lesson.

Lily swung around on her stool to partner with the students behind her only to come face-to-face with James Potter. Only he did not look like he was out all night.

"Whoa Evans, you look…"

"Like I haven't slept in thirty hours?" Lily grumbled as she pulled her potions book onto her lap and search the index for the Flame Protection Potion.

"Yes, something like that." James replied, doing the same as her. Marlene was already off collection potions with Morgan.

"How do you do it?" Lily whispered to James, eyeing him closely.

"I thought you were the potion genius here, Evans." He teased, glancing up at her from her book.

"Shut up, not that." She snapped. Apparently going without sleep for the night made Lily a grouch. She wasn't used to it. "I saw you and Black sneak into the castle this morning. How did you go out to… _him?" _Lily omitted Remus's name from her words in the case of eavesdroppers listening.

"I don't know what you are talking about. I was in my bed all night."

"Bullshit. I saw you. Are you really so thick as to run around with a…" Lily followed by mouthing the word _werewolf_ at him. James just shook his head.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Lily. Myself and Sirius went running this morning." James dismissed her as Morgan returned to the table, arms decked with supplies. Lily couldn't even argue with that since she had witnessed Sirius doing it just a few weeks prior.

"What are you two whispering about?" Morgan asked, her voice just an octave too high to be nonchalant.

"Oh nothing." Lily mumbled before returning to her book. Her eyes would not focus on the words, no matter how many times she blinked and rubbed them. The dim lights in the room did not help.

"Evans here is too embarrassed to admit she is completely lost with this potion." James teased.

"I know this potion, Potter. I just can't… I can't see." She admitted, with a yawn.

"Take it easy, Lily," Marlene lay a hand on her back, sympathetically. "You are over-tired. Here, crush the fire crab glands into a paste." Lily just nodded and did what she was told, furious at herself for being this exhausted in a potions class. The past few nights had been rough for sleep but pulling a complete all-nighter was the icing on the cake. Soon the class was beginning to heat up as cauldrons were set to simmer and odours from squashed fire-crab glands were being amplified with the heat. It had to be one of the worst smells she had ever experienced. Fire crabs shot flames from their back-sides. She could only guess what glands she was crushing for a fire protection potion. She was almost done when the mortar and pestle appeared to be flying away from her, along with the desk.

.

.

Lily woke up in the corridor, her head on something soft and warm but her back on the cold hard floor. She looked up and saw Marlene looking down at her, upside down. There were several other students surrounding her and Professor Slughorn kneeling beside her. In the back ground, she could see Severus looking at her, his face paler than usual and horror stricken. There was a foul taste lingering on her lips and a sticky residue. Her teeth ground together with the worst kind of friction.

"Miss Evans, oh good." Professor Slughorn gushed, trying to push a goblet of water at her.

"Did I get sick?" she mumbled, touching her lips. She tried to sit up, her head stirring into panic. She pushed the goblet away, not trusting her stomach.

"Shhh, Lily. Just relax a minute." Marlene held her down on her cushion, which turned out to be a school jumper. It smelled pleasing, relaxing, so she let her face press into it again. She had gotten sick but she couldn't care. The jumper smelled nice, her head was spinning and she was so very tired.

"To the hospital wing, I insist. You can't pass out on the floor again." Slughorn persisted but Lily moaned with the thought of moving. She felt her body being lifted by two arms.

"Don't levitate her. If she panics, she could make it worse." This voice was a surprise, and closer than she thought. James had his arms under hers, supporting her weight. "We're going to stand up now, okay?"

Lily nodded and he lifted her to her feet, stabilising her. Marlene took her by the elbow and hand but she put most of her weight on James. "Ready for the walk, Lily?" Again, Lily just nodded. Her head kept spinning but was beginning to clear during the walk up. She had comfort in the smell which stayed with her as they ascended the stairs to the hospital wing on the first floor. When they go there the doors were locked, which was unlikely for the hospital wing. James thumped loudly on the doors, causing Lily's head to explode each time his fist made contact with the wood.

The doors opened swiftly and a frazzled Madam Pomfrey poked her head out the door.

"The hospital wing is clos- oh dear. Bring her in, Potter. McKinnon, I'm going to have to ask you to stay outside."

"No way, I-" Marlene began but the intense gaze of Madam Pomfrey shut her up.

"Please report to whichever class you came from and tell the Professor that Ms Evans was received at the hospital wing by myself and Potter is to stay aswel. When the doors are unlocked, you will be permitted to visit." Madam Pomfrey snapped her well-rehearsed speech and helped James put Lily on a bed. James couldn't keep his eyes off of a bed down the end of the room with the curtains closed firmly around it. There were a hum of voices from behind the curtain, indicating other healers behind the curtains. Lily's head had become significantly clearer since she was put on the bed. She could now focus her eyes on James.

"I will be back in two minutes. Potter, keep her awake but on the bed." Madam Pomfrey ordered. James swallowed a chuckle at the innuendo in the sentence.

"Is that Remus?" She murmured, reaching for the basin at the side of the bed. James just nodded, still focused on the bed. She wanted nothing more than to crawl over to his bed to check on him but her body didn't have the strength.

"She never lets me see him." Lily admitted. "I know what happens but she never lets me."

"You don't want to see him like that, Lily." James whispered, taking a seat by her bed. "You should be lying down."

"If I lie down, I can't reach the basin, and I'll fall asleep." She sighed, sitting up straighter. "Thank you."

"Anytime, Evans." He smiled, his fingers pulling at a sleeve of his shirt. The castle was not a warm place in December but he hadn't got his jumper on.

"Where is your jumper?" Lily yawned, her eyes watering. James smiled sheepishly at her.

"On the floor in the corridor where we left it. I'm sure somebody will toss it in the wash." James explained. Lily cringed and blushed. Her nice smelling pillow. No wonder the smell stayed with her on the way up to the hospital wing.

"I retched on your jumper, didn't I?"

"Just a little bit." He chuckled. Madam Pomfrey came back with a few vials of potions, the sight of which made Lily's stomach turn again.

"Alright, what happened?" She asked, her voice almost sounding sympathetic. Almost. James explained what had happened, and mentioned her not sleeping as Lily concentrated on keeping the bile down. She was handed a pink vial and looked at it with disgust.

"Relax, dear. That's for the nausea. Tastes like strawberries." Pomfrey nudged her to drink it. Lily started to feel better within seconds. She gave a weak smile and handed back the potion.

A great cry of pain came from the other side of the room. James was over to the bed before Madam Pomfrey could even react.

"No, Potter, out!" she called as the other voices also raised in protest too. James fought his way through, from what Lily could tell, and gasped at his friend.

"Aw Fuck, Remus! Why isn't he healing?" he shouted before he was ushered back to where Lily sat.

"Mr. Potter, do _not_ make me bind you to that chair but Merlin help me, I will if I must. You are only permitted to stay here to keep Evans awake. Blue potion, and in fifteen minutes, the clear one. Call me if she becomes too drowsy." Madam Pomfrey had hit a whole new level of scary that Lily was uncomfortable with.

"Is he bad?" Lily whimpered, grabbing James's arm. He handed her the potion and watched her drink it, squirming against the bad taste.

"She can normally heal him faster. I don't know. It's nasty looking right now."

"Have you seen him like that before?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I- I tend to sneak in here under the invisibility cloak a few times." James replied, not entirely lying. He had done that a few times, after leaving the vulnerable Remus in the shrieking shack for McGonagall to find. They often dressed him too, if he was cold, like he had been that morning.

"Oh. I don't expect you to tell me the truth about how you managed to see Remus when he is eh- transformed. But I just worry so much, I wish I could too."

"Another conversation for another day." James stated, looking at her with convincing eyes.

"Alright. You should go back to class." Lily motioned to the door, raising an eyebrow at him.

"I've to keep you awake, remember. I am sure Morgan and Marlene have it covered."

"Not without us," she chuckled.

"Well, let's hope Slughorn takes this into account so." James agreed, leaning back in the chair.

Lily leant back on the pillows, her eyelids growing heavy. She was just on the verge of drifting into sleep limbo - fuzzy moments between the time you are falling asleep and the time your brain hits shut-down – when James nudged her in the ribs.

"Oi Evans, stay awake."

"Talk to me then." Lily sighed, trying to open her eyes. James was handing her the clear potion, which thankfully, tasted sweet.

"You never want to talk to me." James teased with a smirk.

"It's your job. My consciousness depends on it." She smiled. "And that's not true. I just don't want to talk to you when you are being an arse. Which tends to be your default."

"I'm not an arse." James complained, prodding her leg.

"Oh you so are. I don't know why though. Maybe you think it is fun or something. But it's not. It's a little bit pathetic."

"Lily, I am not like that anymore. Name one instance since September in which I have been anything less than civil to anybody." James insisted, sitting up straighter.

"You pushed Troy off her broom last weekend."

"It doesn't count if it happened in Quidditch. And they never proved I did that. She is a week flyer at best." James retorted smugly.

"Ha." Lily laughed. "Well then, what has caused the great James Potter to hand in his bullying cloak?"

"I wasn't a- never mind." James stood up from his seat, causing Lily to reach out and grab his arm.

"No go on. Tell me." She pleaded, needing him to stay. She knew she would fall right back asleep if she was left alone.

"I'm not talking about it."

"Such a bloke." She rolled her eyes at him.

"It's more complicated than that." He said, sitting back down but avoiding Lily's gaze. "My mother died." He sighed, wringing his hands. Lily didn't realise just how tense James had gotten.

"Oh. Oh god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said… I'm really sorry, James." Lily tried to reach out for his arm again but he was too far away. James leant back in the chair, and looked at her with a look of defeat.

"I grew up a lot over the summer. My father was a bit lost. It was all very sudden."

"What happened?" Lily rolled on to her side to look at James properly. She immediate regretted it when she saw his eyes glass over, but James being James, he blinked it back and looked everywhere but her.

"It was a vicious infection from a plant in the garden… it went to her brain. She was too old to fight it."

"That's awful… how is your father now?"

"I have never seen him like this. Not even when his sister died. That's why I have been… behaving better. Mum was the disciplinary. She got the letters and detention notices."

"That makes sense. Are you going home at Christmas to see him?"

"Of course. My aunt and uncle will be coming to stay as well to keep him company. And Sirius too." James bit the inside of his cheek, trying to block his grief from manifesting on his face.

Lily didn't know what to say. She bit her lip, pondering on how to approach this new side of James. Luckily Madam Pomfrey came back into her curtained bed holdng a pair of pyjamas in her arms.

"Miss Evans, I think it would be safe for you to take a nap, but I will be waking you every hour. Mr Potter, you must have other lessons to attend to." She set the pyjamas on the end of the bed and walked James out to the hospital wing doors.

"Yes, Madam Pomfrey. May I come up to check on Remus later?"

"After dinner."

"Get well soon, Evans." James smiled before he slipped from the hospital wing.

Despite her desire to sleep and her clean, soft pyjamas, Lily couldn't settle. Just minutes ago she had been unable to keep her eyes open but now her mind wouldn't rest. When she heard Madam Pomfrey close the door to her office adjacent to the hospital wing, she crept out of bed and tip-toed to Remus's bed. He must have heard her coming as he rolled onto his back when she brushed in through the curtains.

"Lily," he smiled, not yet opening his eyes.

"How did you know?" Lily whispered, approaching the bed. There was blood seeping through bandages and onto the bed sheets.

"I've been eavesdropping. And you smell nice."

"Oh Remus. What did you do to yourself?"

"It's fuzzy. Does this mean you don't hate my best friend now?" Remus let out a loud yawn, making his bare chest rise and the blanket to slip down to his waist. Lily had to clench her eyes closed to stop herself from gasping.

"Your wounds are ghastly. Potter mentioned they don't always look this bad. And I don't _hate_ him… he's matured, I'll give you that."

"I'm weaker than usual."

"You didn't eat yesterday, did you?" she frowned, remembering his lack of appetite. Remus had been experimenting with foods before the full-moon, about which would lead to a more compliant wolf. Remus just shook his head in response. Lily leaned over him, giving him a light peck on the lips.

"Why are you here?" Remus tried to push himself back on his bed to sit up but Lily pressed her hand to his shoulder.

"Short version; Lack of sleep. Potion fumes. Anal gland odours." Lily sat on the edge of the bed beside Remus, taking his hand.

"Sounds charming." He managed a weak chuckle.

"I vomited everywhere." She admitted, an embarrassing cringe in her voice.

"I could smell that too." Remus laughed and then grimaced in pain. "Laughing hurts."

"I should let you sleep. I need to sleep too."

"Why didn't you sleep last night?"

"I was worried about you, Rem," she teased, standing up and kissing him again, her lips lingering on his a little longer this time.

"I'm fine now so please, sleep." Remus squeezed her hand and tugged her closer for another kiss.

"If these beds were wider, I'd sleep next to you." She whispered, as if she was admitting a dirty secret.

"If I was stronger, I'd make you sleep on top of me." Remus whispered back. Lily blushed and bid him a goodbye before returning to her own bed.

Remus was okay. He was fine. Alive. Maybe, not well. But alive. This was enough to let Lily fall straight into a dreamless slumber.


End file.
